Congrats to Team ‘Gangnam Style’ — a.k.a. American Psy — for delivering what was in many ways the best and worst group dance Planet Mirrorballus has ever seen. Mostly worst! It was the best if you love tepid messes and things that make no sense, which obviously I do because it’s season 15 and I’m still sitting here in my fringed boots typing about an alternate universe. Like Kelly Monaco said, “Sometimes… trainwrecks are fun to watch.”
Somehow this group f(l)ail earned Kelly, Kirstie, Emmitt, and Not-At-All-Powerful Captain Gilles three 9s, probably because if the judges had scored it fairly the entire leaderboard would have been messed up. I’m fine with that. I might even award them all 9s myself provided I’d never have to see Gilles peering into Peta’s crotch, Kirstie and Maks’ “mat exercises,” and Bruno sniffing O Captain His Captain’s lointowel ever, ever again. EWWWW.com.
Genuine highlights of “Gangnam” included the wig department’s hilarious attempt to turn all of the women into Koreans, Cheryl riding Emmitt like a Cowboy, Kelly and Shirtless Val’s entire solo especially her final pose with feeling!, and the way the belligerent debris (as seen in the video) had to compete with neon green laser beams, let alone eight adult bodies, for the spotlight at the end. That confetti was aggressive. And even though it’s a non-hidden gem week, don’t think I missed this one:
The ASSMSTR always figures out a way to set himself apart.
Before I call upon Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber to please reveal Tuesday’s solo dance scores, here’s the complete JUDGES’ LEADERBOARD, taking into consideration the eight remaining couples’ solos and Team Freestyles on Week 5:
Sabrina Bryan and Louis Van Amstel: 58.5 out of possible 60
Shawn Johnson and Derek Hough: 56.5
Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani: 56.5
Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina Smirnoff: 56.5
Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 56.5
Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke: 56
Kirstie Alley and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 52.5
Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 51.5
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!
NEXT: If Sabrina is Cinderella, does that make Carrie Ann Lucifer the cat?