Victory is ours! Or rather, it’s Maks and Meryl’s! After a season full of sexual tension, amazing dances, and lots of fan fiction — written mostly by me — Maks and Meryl took home the coveted MirrorBall Trophy. Can I just say how adorable it was the way she was just watching him as they awaited results. It was evident how badly she wanted this for him.
OK guys, let’s do this recap thing before I start writing more fan fiction.
Our final evening spent with Tom, Erin, and the gang was going to feature the 24-hour fusion, which Erin later pointed out sounded like a deodorant challenge. (In case you all were keeping up, I’m officially on Team Erin.) After last night’s show, the contestants were given two styles of dance to use in a routine that they had roughly 24 hours to learn. The judges’ scores for that number would then complete their final score and be counted with your votes to determine a winner.
But first we have to discuss about the footage from last night. And you all know exactly what I’m talking about: Maks crying after his freestyle with Meryl. Just stop it, everyone. Stop what you’re doing and soak this in. And if you get a second, can someone bring me a glass of wine?
Meryl held her
man partner and told him it was an honor to do his last freestyle with him. As for Maks? Their partnership was “everything I never thought it would be.” And brief pause while I re-watch that almost-kiss from last night.
Meanwhile, the show was continuing without us. James and Peta were stomping around the floor again — sorry about that flip there, buddy — before Team Loca took the floor for the one routine we never got to see live. Remember during Latin Night when Amy’s injury meant judges had to use rehearsal footage? Well, it was time to make up for that! And considering Maks fell at the end, I’d say all is forgiven.
Intermixed with commentary, video packages, and dancing were musical performances, the first of which was Iggy Azalea, and that went south real fast. Iggy owes Val a huge thank you considering she was ready to stop the performance because something was wrong with her ear before the Russian escorted her down the stairs anyway. Thankfully, she found her footing. Why she was dressed like she was in Grease is another story entirely, but I’m just glad Val kept her moving, because I was already cringing. I don’t do good with live-TV awkwardness, you guys. Trust me, you never want to sit next to me during Oscar acceptance speeches.
Back from commercial break, reigning champ Amber Riley was on stage singing “Colorblind” while Tony and Karina spooned on the floor. And as Tom so delicately pointed out, Tony and Karina are not available for download. But are his dance lessons, because I’m still holding out hope that I’ll be able to dance like Tony one day? And no, that does not just mean shirtless (though that is part of it).
Also back for the night, Drew Carey performed a jive. For this one, I’ll quote my roommate: “There’s not one drop of him that’s sexy; it’s just absolute nerd.” And yes, she said that lovingly. You go, Drew!
Important note: When are we going to get to watch the R-rated version of DWTS, a.k.a. the dress rehearsal. Because let me tell you guys, I liked Erin 100 times more after watching that rehearsal footage. I’m seriously petitioning for that to be next season. Forget the glam! I want the cuss words!
After another commercial break, I was left feeling a little cheated when I caught up halfway through Charlie and Meryl’s dance. But I at least got the gist: They’re adorable and very different from her partnership with Maks.
Then NeNe stomped around the floor performing a routine that was 90 percent attitude and 10 percent dance, as it probably should’ve been. And then tack on Cody Simpson taking the stage to do a little sing-dance mash-up. Yeah, looking back, he probably left when he should’ve, right?
Newsflash: Charlie still sucks at props. This time, he broke an umbrella during his Mary Poppins routine. Honestly Sharna, stop doing this to us!
Also, Drew Carey knows what this show is all about: He’s in it “for the spray tans and the glitter.” Aren’t we all? Well, the spray tans, the glitter, and the Ariana Grande performance.
OK, let’s get down to business. In their final video packages together, we learned that Candace and Mark have the relationship of 14-year-old and his grandmother, while Derek plans to keep Amy’s steel legs if they get divorced. Also, Meryl can’t talk about any romance happening post-show with Maks, but Maks can!
And I quote: “I want to ravage her and have ice-skating, big, Russian, mean babies.” This is the point at which my roommate starts screaming, “He said he wants to ravage her! And they left it on air!” Yep, and that’s exactly why ABC is putting on a new summer series titled The Blushing Russian. Good one, Tom! Also, I’d seriously watch that.
NEXT: Who gets the MirrorBall guy?