I know that every night is ridiculous costume night on Dancing With the Stars, but didn’t this one feel more special than most? We had a leopard-print devil/pimp, a nymph in a sparkly bathing cap, and a co-host whose crazy, curlicue-festooned gown alternated between “foil” and “sheer.” Peta’s Pink hair (the person not the color, though it may as well have been that too) was no match for her fringed bra and pants. We saw man-cleavage. Hats! Intricately patterned hose-as-pants. Chains! Spats on a man other than Mark. Guyliner on men other than Mark! All of this PLUS Emmy-award-winning Tom Bergeron in a simple black suit?! The overall beauty and sense of order on Planet Mirrorballus was nearly too much to bear. Just the way I like it.
Shall we dance?
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhhhh-ber!
Sabrina Bryan and Louis Van Amstel: 26 out of possible 30 First 9 of the season! Sabrina, who ascribes to Cheetahism as a religion as evidenced by the large, printed cross on her rehearsal tee, cut her arm in the practice studio during an outrageous move requiring the couple to leap up THREE STAIRS. They proceeded to not only include the move in their quickstep, but to begin the dance backstage by the water cooler (where everyone was gossiping about how Louis is a torture artist?) and sprint from there to the floor. Um, forget that flashy stair move at the end — I’d be toast if I had to sprint even three steps in heels in the dimly lit death maze that is the DWTS set.
But they did it! Black Betty and her rider Louis turned in a quickstep featuring the finest “top line” Carrie Ann had ever seen in the history of Dancing With the Stars. It was “a true dazzler!” cried Bruno, obviously referring to both the dance and Sabrina’s intriguing, deceptively fringe-y black and silver skirt. There was nude netting between the fringe pieces, yet it moved like fringe. A real mind-bender. For his part in assuming a hard-rock persona, Louis wore a pleather vest and an odd sort of black medal around his collar. Black Meddy, I presume.
Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd: 25.5/30 CLEAVAGE ALERT. And I don’t mean hers. For their jive, Gilles donned a plunging-waistline (not a typo) gray jacket with bedazzled lapels that simultaneously begged “Forget you found out about my tragic hamstring injury” and “Pay no attention to the house band’s attempt at Queen behind me.” Both were effective! Well, the former, for sure. The couple’s matching bouffants and Peta’s fringed pants — with bonus hip elastics that hinted at a possible sparkly g-string underneath — also contributed to the distraction.
Carrie Ann called Gilles’ kicks and flicks the best of the night — and we might as well trust her on that because the judges mentioned kicks and flicks about eight and a hoff (8.5) times total. The entire onstage spectacle was a far cry from the pre-show footage, which featured Dance Doctor Leif Lunford massaging Gilles’ upper thigh with what appeared to be a cracked-out chair leg. Quick, cracked-out chair leg: Trade lives with me!
NEXT: Got gold? Step up to the imaginary podium!