‘Cause that’s our Funday (woe-oh)! Week 5 on Dancing With the Stars was ’80s Night, which meant tons of bright colors, bad eyeshadow, scrunchies, and bizarre renditions of classic songs. And I’m not just talking about guest performers the Bangles! They’re on tour, now — did you know? “Well, not now. Like, tomorrow.” Thanks, Tom.
Our Host was in rare form last night, recovering from a once-in-a-lifetime line flub by scolding himself, “Teach me to drink during commercials.…” and more importantly scolding the VERY ANNOYING bickering judges as if he were their (drunk?) dad: “Kids! Kids! When we all talk at the same time, we hear nothing.” Say it with me again: Thanks, Tom!
The judges have their scores. Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ber!
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff: 28 out of possible 30 J.R. had already grown up a) Latin and b) dancing constantly with his single mom, but Karina decided to give him even more of an advantage in the samba by taking him to visit Sheila E. at The Conga Room. It worked — Bruno Tonioli, understated as always, called J.R. “a loin-shattering sex machine” and marveled that a woman on one of the upper levels had enjoyed J.R.’s loin-shattering hip action so much that she was about to throw herself off the balcony. That’s when you know you’re muy caliente on Dancing With the Stars: somebody dies! Oh, don’t worry, Bruno continued: “The Kardashians over there are gagging! I’m telling you, you have so much fire down below, it was like a volcano!” Did that really just happen? The loin-shattering and the gagging? Are we live? Is this thing on?
I liked how this couple was so confident in J.R.’s lower half that they went ahead and swathed his loins in white pants! These were a lovely complement to Karina’s puffed-out skirt that looked like a kiwi, but if a kiwi was orange. Let me put that more succinctly: Her skirt looked like Kym Johnson.
Has everyone seen J.R.’s PSA for The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors?
You may recognize his costar, 15-year-old Jenna Bullen, as J.R.’s special guest from last Monday‘s DWTS audience. They’ll both be on today’s episode of Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers (3 p.m. ET on The CW) to build awareness for burn survivors.
NEXT: Hello. Is it ballroom lothario Rob Kardashian you’re looking for?