Cue the Golden Girls theme song! Dancing With the Stars’ No. 1 Super-Fan Florence Henderson went home Tuesday night in a surprising Week 5 elimination. You can currently find her spiraling into insanity in her kitchen, tearfully opening jar after jar of pickles — courtesy of Easy Steps, “the solution to ballroom confusion.” Just kidding; Florence and what Tom called her “childlike glee” will never truly leave the ballroom…because she will refuse. As well she should! Mama Brady had fully assimilated into Planet Mirrorballus’ unique, otherworldly atmosphere long before her season 11 tenure had even begun. Formerly Caucasian, she is now 100 percent Sparkalien. Her eyes are giant, glassy gems. When she breathes against any surface, glitter appears. This is all as it should be. See you soon, sexy senior.
Florence gave perhaps the most thorough, complimentary 15-second farewell speech ever. “This is one of the best-produced shows I’ve ever been on,” said the TV veteran. “The best crew, hair, makeup, costumes — even the judges are the best…Brooke, Tom, the music, and most of all this darling man, Corky Ballas.” We may have rolled our eyes at the often over-the-top Corkeography that the 76-year-old had to endure, but Florence clearly holds no grudge.
Jennifer Grey and Rick Fox were deemed “in jeopardy” last night. This means nothing. The bottom two certainly could have included gorilla-in-the-twist Bristol Palin. It could have included anyone! As usual, it’s almost an insult to your intelligence that I’m even telling you who went under the red light!
Another giant hoax: Sadly, none of the filler-segment “infomercials” — David “The Sledgehammer With a Cold Sore” Hasselhoff’s injury law firm, the aforementioned “Easy Steps” (tangible dance footprints for your floor/fridge), or the Bring It Like Bruno workout DVDs — were based on real products. Bring It Like Bruno was like a tie-dyed ’90s version of SNL‘s “Burning Up the Bedsheets,” with moves like The Pencil Sharpener and The Naughty Puma (my favorites). Margaret Cho had spoken too soon. This was the gayest thing that ever happened.
A slow-motion playback revealed that Tony had indeed lifted Audrina during their Monday night rumba. The epic battle of Tony vs. Carrie Ann will continue…after the (five-day) break!
Musical guest Shakira performed her single “Loca” while playing ringleader to a bunch of toddlers whose sparkly pajama bottoms were falling down. Now, come on. I know the rules are lax, but There’s no hammer pants in ballroom! Meanwhile, Jason Derulo brought his own backup dancers for his two (?!) songs. DECOYS, ALL OF THEM! “In My Head” looked like a music video (with a Flashdance lit-up cage at the end), while “Georgia” looked like a So You Think You Can Dance contemporary routine about overcoming adversity and seizing the day. Ray Charles would not approve! Well, I’m guessing. I just don’t see what any of that has to do with Dancing With the Stars.
NEXT: DWTS is kind of like that mural in Italy with the guy’s hand reaching out to the other guy’s hand. Or something.