”Dancing With the Stars”: Tied at perfect
”What do I have to do to get a frickin’ 10?” whined a desperate-looking Drew Lachey at the start of this week’s competition. Oh, poor Drew. Not a lot! Here’s the deal: You just have to try really hard at your dance tonight. Whether you perform better or worse than you did last week will be irrelevant, because we now admit that you were robbed, and tonight we’re going to give you straight 10s. Oh, but there’s just one catch: The big, blond Barbie doll who personally brightens the day of each and every one of America’s fighting men will also be getting straight 10s. Sorry, kiddo.
Not that Stacy ”Elf” Keibler’s eerily perfect performance didn’t warrant top marks. Both Drew and Stacy, who were introduced as ”the Boy Wonder” and ”the Natural” this week, rocked supreme. (The automatic thesaurus in my brain translates ”the Natural” to ”the Ringer,” but it’s not always accurate. Thesauri rarely are.) Despite her partner Tony’s superior footwork during their jive, however, Stacy’s dance still seemed like a solo; Drew and Cheryl’s chemistry during their tango, as well as the sublime choreography, made them — as usual, for me — a lot more fun to watch.
As much as I adore Drew and Cheryl, some of their previous performances have been more memorable and powerful than this week’s. Part of it might be that by this point, DWTS fans have simply come to expect Drew to be excellent. This week Drew’s actual dance seemed a tiny bit rote — as if it were merely the necessary segue between his introduction and the part where we all sit on the edge of our seats week after week, wondering if the judges will finally give Drew the triple-play tongue bath (usually reserved for Stacy) that he deserves.
Or maybe I just couldn’t get into his and Cheryl’s dance because of their horrid outfits. Stylists, who were you kidding? Excluding the wacky cutout at her midsection, Cheryl’s too-long, shapeless dress was like a rhapsody in fertilizer brown, and until they zoomed in on Drew at scoring time, I thought he was dressed to go to work at a law firm.
Up close, his dark brown satin suit actually looked pretty hot. It was as if Boy Wonder suddenly became a flashy, shoulder-possessing man right before our eyes. Unfortunately, Cheryl’s dress transformed into an even more ill-conceived figure skating outfit up close. They honestly would have looked better in their plain black practice duds. (By the way, brother Nick Lachey’s showing up at practice on Super Bowl Sunday to deadpan to Drew’s wife, Lea, ”Our family name is ruined,” was definitely the ab-fab line of the night. I think he went in there with the intention of saying exactly that. Yeah, no shame! Go Team Nick!)
My money’s on Jerry Rice or George Hamilton to get the boot tomorrow night. Jerry was too self-conscious during his paso doble. Despite his wigged-out leap in the air toward the end (it garnered a huge audience response, even though I’m pretty sure no one knew exactly why they were clapping), the only thing keeping me glued to his and dear Anna’s performance was that I was still imagining a quarter pressed between his butt cheeks. Though George is certainly not qualified to win, he and partner Edyta were entirely entertaining. The longer this competition goes on, the more I get why they paired her with George. She’s a pretty good little actress, so even though his stand-and-spin routines don’t exactly match up to her dance moves, the couple still manage to put on quite a show together. I loved it when George told Edyta’s partner, Alec (hey there, hot pants), that she whispered into his ear that he should call her later. As if!
As for Lisa Rinna, who scored third highest with a 27, I’m guessing she’s safe. She and Louis got royally screwed by having to quickstep to that craptastic cover of Dolly Parton’s ”9 to 5.” It could be seen as a profoundly self-referential moment for the soap star. Look around — you’re ballroom dancing to the worst version of the least appropriate song available while on live national television. ”What a way to make a living,” indeed. Lisa worked it, though — and if that Burberry attack scarf of hers hadn’t been viciously clawing at her neck during practice sessions, she might have done even better.
Until next week, dancing queens. And remember: You can vote for whomever you’d like, but if you don’t vote for Stacy, you’re a not a real American.
What do you think? Did Drew and Stacy both deserve perfect scores? Who stood out in the group’s Viennese waltz? And which judge’s flub was funnier — Bruno Tonioli’s ”Deenasty” or Len Goodman’s ”flatulating”? (My guess is he meant ”flailing” or ”flapping.”)