”Dancing With the Stars”: They go to Rio
This week: Hot legs! Lotion! The national anthem! Yet another physically and culturally disturbing spray tan! There also may have been dancing, but it’s becoming clear that one’s ability to dance doesn’t much matter this season. Case in point: Willa Ford’s out; Jerry Springer and Sara Evans are in.
Yeah, I guess it’s unfair because every week Jerry just shuffles around and Sara strikes a series of weak-willed poses. I did love Willa, especially her perfect new set of white-blond highlights this week. (The cerulean eye shadow, not so much.) But now she’s gone. It kind of sucked at first, but now I’m thinking, So what? For me, watching people get so riled up about the results and observing the way America votes based on I don’t even know what is a more satisfying process than getting to gloat because the ”right person” got eliminated. Everyone’s gonna leave eventually. It’s just TV. Let it will be!
All the couples scored high this week, which didn’t make much sense. Sara and Tony had the right idea when they rushed over to the judges after their stupid samba and pulled that please-be-kind kneeling move. I wanted to throw things at them as soon as they did that, but then the gesture reminded me of the ”We’re not worthy!” bit from Wayne’s World, and then the camera cut right to Tia Carrere in the audience. It was so meta that Sara and Tony suddenly became less annoying.
Jerry and Kym didn’t exactly deserve their big score, either. The judges gushed over how ”entertaining” they were. Really? To me, the most entertaining thing about their dance was that at the end of it, if you refocused your eyes, you realized Kym really was wearing that costume. For some reason she reminded me of a just-hatched baby chick, with those pink-orange explosions on her head and butt representing the remainders of the eggshell. I was more impressed at the one point in the dance when Jerry broke into a brisk jog. He looked to be on at least a 10-minute-mile pace for like three seconds.
Okay. Mario and Karina. First, I’m sick of how he says ”Karina.” We get it. He has the power to sound authentic. More important: No way did that swimming pool where Mario and Karina went to ”relax” belong to a friend of his. That thing was so blatantly a set I wondered if the water was even real. (It was — he spontaneously pushed her in during a way cute moment.) Just when I didn’t think the romantic bikini segments of the week could get any cheesier than the peekaboo glimpse of the setting sun between Willa and Maks’ crotches on the beach, Mario had to go and rub oil on the only inch of ”Kadeena” that wasn’t already drenched in three layers of the stuff. I’m surprised the entire body of water didn’t turn a greasy orange as soon as they took the plunge.
Anyway, Mario and Kadeena’s rumba was good, but after Carrie Ann pointed out Mario’s ”clipped” movements, I realized that’s what’s been irking me about his dancing this whole time. Thank you, reality-show judge, for telling me what I am thinking! I much preferred Willa and Maks’ rumba — it seemed more natural and less campy, much like their supposed romance compared to that of their rivals. But alas…
Over at Cult, Party of Two, Monique Coleman and Louis Van Amstel continued on their own ”holistic” mind-body-soul path toward excellence, which ultimately led to a diamond bra top and her positioning a complicated splits hold right up in his grill. How is she still alive after that move? If I did that, my bones would have cracked more times than Emmitt Smith’s did when he was getting treated by his chiropractor, who will have 2,000 new clients by Friday. Dr. Robert Parker is now a celebrity.
The loosening up definitely helped Emmitt. His samba was all smiley and hip-swingy, and is it possible he has a really strong command of the concept of rhythm? It’s either that or I’m so captivated by his grin that I associate random elements of technical prowess to his dances. The guy is seriously cute. I enjoy just looking at his face. I also loved how autumnal he and Cheryl looked in that deep orange. She was evoking some serious candy-corn imagery. I would have appreciated some mini-gourds stapled to her dress. She still wouldn’t have had the strangest outfit….Oh, hey, Edyta and Joey Lawrence. What’s up?
Oh yeah — on Wednesday night, Rod Stewart showed up in a Willy Wonka-esque purple crushed-velvet blazer. It was weird. Poor Edyta and Kym had to get into video-ho character and perform a really repetitive ”freestyle” dance to ”Hot Legs.” There were a lot of kicks and slow extensions, and after about the third chorus I remember thinking that this routine would make a very good torture method, perhaps on Lost, just moments later. The Others could play the footage on a big screen and tell their prisoners (Kate and Sawyer, for example), ”Do that.” It’d be a shocking experience for everyone!
What do you think? Will Willa and Maks make a seamless transition into their new reality series, Beauty and the Butt? If Sara and Jerry’s popular votes carry them to the end, will you never watch the show again? And who’s in the best position to win it all?