”Dancing With the Stars”: Manly man week
Jerry Springer has left the dance floor. Finally. He’s been begging you for weeks to let him go, to let him shrivel up and die in peace, and you have listened. Jerry Springer is now going to die. He’s put a lot of effort into driving that point home. Either he just doesn’t know what else to joke about, or we should prepare for next season’s spin-off series, Dying With Jerry Springer. Kym will be his devoted candy striper. Samantha Harris will wander around asking questions like ”Jer-meister, what did it feel like when you died? Will die! I mean, dying! Uh. Crap. Tom?” (At which point Jerry will wonder if maybe he did die but plummeted straight into hell.) Lisa Rinna will get routine surgeries down the hall, just to be involved. Rachael Ray will sit there wishing she could be anywhere else. Speaking of which, I should get back to the show at hand.
There’s a new front-runner in the house: Emmitt Smith. (He may prefer ”Sir Shimmy.”) At this point, I don’t see how he can lose. He has a big fan base, a relaxed and non-polarizing attitude, Cheryl for a partner, a pedicure, and, least important of all, talent. Emmitt has been consistent this whole time, and last night Len Goodman called his mambo the best dance of the entire season. Huh? Len has a crush on Emmitt! And I might, too. I think it has to do with his rump. I derive great pleasure from examining Emmitt’s butt every week. It never looks fat or anything, but it’s a truly substantial mass — one of a kind if you ask me. Something about it is captivating. I think I just like watching someone shaped like Emmitt try to be really good at ballroom dancing. It’s hysterical. And it’s working!
Who’s next? If we’re going based on who will probably finish second behind Emmitt, then I guess Mario Lopez or Joey Lawrence. But it should be Monique Coleman, so let’s discuss her. The lone female contestant was the only one besides Jerry to not receive a 10 this week, and that seemed wrong. Not that Mario and Joey weren’t good — they were fine. But if they deserved 10s for somewhat flawed routines, so did Monique. Out of all the choreographers, I think Louis pushes Monique the most. The footwork for their quickstep seemed more intricate and advanced than any of the guys’ dances, and I loved how Louis yanked Monique around with such force, almost daring her to fall down. (It’s all part of the equal parts psychotic and zen Louis Van Amstel Experience.) What’s more, anyone who suffers through dancing the paso doble to a horrible rendition of Duran Duran’s song ”The Reflex” (as in gag) deserves at least one perfect score.
Mario won the most points this week on the quite overhyped, ”ridiculously large” leader board. Was anyone else disappointed by this? We were promised ”the most complicated leader board in entertainment history.” I was expecting elaborate equations, percentages, some long division, maybe a cartoon of someone decapitating whoever’s in charge of song selection, but all we got was the same old plain purple background with higher numbers. I totally could have made that on my computer, Tom. Come on, challenge me!
Anyway, Mario. If he can fit it into his busy schedule, I’d really like him to stop complaining about his busy schedule. His dances were pretty good. I liked the part during his foxtrot when Karina blew a kiss in Len’s face and Len made jazz hands. He was so ready for it, too. You could tell he knew she was coming, because he had his hands up by his ears already, trembling with the anticipation of blind favoritism. Mario’s jive seemed a bit on the sloppy side, as if he didn’t care about perfecting the footwork as long as his showbiz face remained activated. Sadly, no kneeling ”hug the fetus” finish for Mario and Karina this week — they passed the torch on to Joey and Edyta to use at the end of their mambo. Joey even added a vigorous head shake to his. It was intense. ”I loved it! 10!” (As said Bruno.)
Mario and Joey received the same criticism from Len during their foxtrots: They weren’t using ”heel leads.” (It seemed like a major thing, but it didn’t stop either of them from getting two 10s each.) Specifically, Len told Joey he was ”no heels, all balls” — a fun quip that can also be considered the theme of the week. You gonna take that, Monique? Oh, it is on..
What do you think? Did the manly men deserve all of their 10s? Wasn’t it surreal to see Jerry dance to a song with ”onomatopoeia” in the lyrics? And who would make up the most exciting final three?