”Dancing With the Stars”: Introducing…sex appeal!
I’ll admit it. I haven’t quite been feelin’ my usual glittery, acid-laced DWTS high this season. There have been some solid dances, but nothing that’s made me break out the turbo grin. Until now! Last night’s performance show was a rare delight. What made me melt so? Was it Laila and Maks’ made-for-TV lust? The promise of seeing Bruno showering on ABC.com? Edyta saying ”John, vat is dat?” when he put on a kilt? Me basking in the fake-tan aura of Samantha Harris’ pregnancy glow?
All I know for sure is that it wasn’t that last one. Here we go — the people (and some things) who knocked the stilettos I don’t own right off my feet:
Apolo Anton Ohno (Perfect 30) Yes! This is what I’m talking about. Though I’ve casually enjoyed some of the stars’ personalities this season, none of the actual dances have had me gaping at the screen the way Apolo’s samba with Julianne did. Not only did he get all the steps right while moving his hips, but the dance also contained, like, 50 more elements than all the others. Julianne could be the season 2 Cheryl of season 4 — you know she’s the one behind the lightning-fast choreo, and yet it’s easy to focus on the guy and believe he’s doing the leading, which he was. My favorite was that series of the same looping-leg move. Perhaps a rond de jambe? Am I really whipping out a fourth-grade ballet ref? There’s his leg looping. Now hers! His! And they’re spinning….
The Harold Wheeler Ensemble’s Rousing Rendition of ”I Like to Move It” (29) Way to whip out the Jock Jam, Julianne. The ”physi-cally, physi-cally, physi-cally fit-uh” line rang especially true.
Laila Ali (28) Thank you, girl, for finally stepping it up. Or should I say slowwwly swiveling up Maksim’s crotch! That whole love triangle among Laila, Maks, and Laila’s fiancé (former NFL stud Curtis Conway) was very fake but very well done as far as fake love triangles go. I’d still rather watch Curtis playfully ”tackle” Maks 200 times than be subjected to even two seconds of The Bachelor, so there’s that.
Carlton Banks (27) Everyone knows you’re revving up for next season, and I’m all for it! But maybe stop eating so much butter.
Joey Fatone and Lance Bass (25) Their dance together was lovely! I could really feel the passion and romance of their Sensual Rumba Walks. (Upon further research, it turns out that Joey’s partner, Kym, was also in this sequence.) This wasn’t Joey’s best performance. During the dance, I didn’t quite catch that Joey’s problem was that he was being ”too feminine.” I just wanted him to stop trying to get into some character he hadn’t even decided on. Or maybe he had chosen a character and it was a girl. I also think my professional judgment was way off during this whole dance because all I could think about was Sanjaya. As in, I kind of wanted him to be singing ”Bésame Mucho” instead. Deal with that, brain.
Carol Brady (A Bunch) Hey there. And hello to you too, Louis van Amstel Light!
John Ratzenberger (18) Yes, I know, John scored way lower than Ian, but he was much more entertaining in my eyes. He was laughing throughout his samba with Edyta and just having fun out there. And for all that they rag on John, Clyde Drexler, and Billy Ray Cyrus for messy footwork, at least John attempts challenging moves! Clyde always looks like an Easy Glide Mop being used by a rather lethargic housekeeper (not necessarily Elena), and Billy Ray just kind of gets pushed around — Karina has no other choice, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, besides saying ”Hannah Montana” 10 times per episode (and ”Disney” once). I say let’s keep John in. A for effort, and A plus for props!
Ian Ziering (24) Honestly, I like Ian. He’s super-sincere and so goddamn earnest. So I feel sorry that I don’t enjoy him more. I just don’t think he has the inherent flashiness required to go far in this thing. And it’s sad, because the more the judges keep begging him to turn it on and ”have a good time,” the more he’ll psych himself out. Poor Steve. Maybe he can come back and do a results-night volleyball exhibition after he gets eliminated. All that fringe could weave into one amazing net!
Heather Mills (21) I know the whole ”Let’s wax this poor sap’s hairy chest” stunt might make for good TV, but to me it was just mean and unnecessary, and now I may have nightmares involving Heather Mills leaning over my bed yelping out the names of the four dances she knows. Turned me off for the rest of that segment. Fine, I did laugh out loud when she and Jonathan did a whooping high five during their performance, but for me, that samba underwhelmed. And I’m not going to suggest anything outright, but couldn’t she have stood on her good leg at the end of it? The leg she’s supported herself on for every other dance move save that one? Just sayin’.
Use of ”What’s Going On” as Keen Glimpse Into Clyde’s Mind (20) Touché, producers. My sequined head jewelry goes off to you.
Samantha Urging People to ”Fire Up That Computer!” (10) My computer is already on. But points for making it through that particular sentence.
I’d say tonight’s results show is John’s or Clyde’s to lose, since people like Billy Ray and Heather has appeared on every talk show in America. What do you think? Was this week a Brazilian carnival? Should they videotape Heather’s next Brazilian? And who’s poised to make a comeback?