You know those TV shows that end with everything being a dream and you feel like screaming at your television because you’ve devoted like 21 hours of your life to characters and story lines that ended up meaning nothing and now you question everything? Interestingly, tonight’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend season finale was nothing — and everything — like that. No dream, but somehow I’ve ended up with the same feeling. Why? BECAUSE WE’RE RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED. Cue screaming.
Basically, it all boils down to this: Rebecca is a bona fide, card-carrying romantic. Sure, she likes getting her butterfly smashed (as we all know), but at the end of the day what she really wants is to have a fairy tale moment with her prince charming. The problem is, she just can’t seem to find one who will give it to her (the moment, not the butterfly smashing), and since both contenders for the crown have been lying to themselves (and to her) about their feelings, things didn’t look good for any of them. But a final moment of truth, which led to a moment, which led to another, not as ideal moment of truth, and suddenly everything is more like Groundhog Day than the fairy tale classic Slumbered (save yourself the Google search, folks, it’s a Crazy Ex thing, darn it). Let’s go back to the beginning and see if we can figure out what the what just happened.
Once upon a time there was a little girl who just knew she’d have a great love story one day. Fast-forward 21 years, and she still hasn’t found her happy ending, at least, not the kind she really yearns for. However, after Prince Charming 2.0 (a.k.a. Greg) admits that he never really wanted to date anyone else, Rebecca is elated. Could her fairy tale moment be within reach?
Not if Paula has anything to do with it. Because after discovering that Rebecca and Greg are a thing, she goes on a rampage. (BTW, if any of you have ever questioned who the more unstable one in this friendship is, you may have your answer.) Hurt and angry, Paula morphs into the love child of Annie Wilkes and Mama Rose and unleashes on Rebecca about how much she’s done to help her win Josh, which includes but isn’t limited to installing a tracking device on Josh’s mom’s car and blackmailing Valencia’s boss. And also? She’s done being the sidekick. “After everything I’ve done for you (that you didn’t ask for), let’s just say Greg isn’t the only one you’re screwing,” Paula wails.
Trapped in her hospital bed, Rebecca is understandably freaked out at Paula’s showstopping performance, but she’s not the only one feeling uncomfortable. After bumping into Josh in the hospital and seeing him with a bouquet of flowers he’s bringing to Rebecca, Greg questions everything, and I don’t just mean his choice gift of an awesome stick balloon with the picture of the messiah riding a unicorn over a rainbow. Worried that Rebecca still has feelings for Josh, Greg comes to the conclusion that she likes the chill, bad boy version of himself better, even after his dad tries to offer him different advice.
Speaking of advice, Josh takes Greg’s and tells Valencia that he’s ready to look for a ring, but that she needs to be patient and allow him to go about it in his own way. She very calmly agrees to his terms, and then has a fabulous — silent — victory dance when he leaves. Who else’s love for V has grown exponentially since the beginning of the season?
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Since Paula’s very grand finale and subsequent exit in the hospital room, Rebecca needs someone to confide in so she turns to, who else, the seems-crazy-yet-is-the-most-stable-person-on-this-show-ex-girlfriend Heather (I’d have picked Mrs. Hernandez, for obvious reasons, BTW). Heather brings up Josh, but Rebecca brushes her off. She’s after “the moment” — the dance in a ball, the kiss in a tower, the magic carpet ride — and she’s sure Greg can deliver. “Oh, so you’re one of those girls…” deadpans Heather, who now is tied with Valencia for the award of most improved character.
After some chill and awkward convo where Rebecca and Greg are both masking their true feelings behind farts and three-wick candles, Rebecca spies Jayma’s wedding invitation on Greg’s table: Jayma’s magical, fairy tale wedding invitation, which she instantly knows will provide her with her moment with Greg! (If, like me, this is the point where you think you know how this will end, think again.)
NEXT: The moment we’ve all been waiting for… or is it? [pagebreak]
At the jewelry store getting earrings for Jayma’s big day, Rebecca (naturally) tells the jeweler she’s about to have her moment (listen, I’m a true romantic, but OMG ALREADY WITH THE MOMENT) and he responds by asking her if she’s found her soul mate (rude, but whatever). Enter Josh, literally. Walking into the store at that exact moment (the moment?) to look at engagement rings for Valencia, Josh and Rebecca dance around the awkwardness of the situation and somehow manage to breathe despite the romantic tension suffocating the room. “Ready to make a choice?” the jeweler asks, in what I believe is this season’s million dollar question.
But Rebecca manages to push her dreams of Josh aside — yet again — and throw herself into preparing for the moment she’s sure is about to happen with Greg, despite some serious shade thrown at her by a very non-helpful and slightly bad-ass windowsill bird (“Peace, bitch,” he chirps before flying away). Overdressed for a wedding but perfect for a Disney prom, Rebecca floats down the stairs to Greg. “You look alright,” he says, after stopping himself from gushing. Keeping it chill, right down to his plaid shirt and Converse.
At the wedding, Josh (looking like a prince in a seriously awful shirt the groomsmen are all wearing, because fairy tale wedding), is blown away when Rebecca enters. It’s a moment, especially when he tells her, breathlessly, that she looks like a princess. Further confusing the hell out of both Rebecca and the entire viewing audience, Josh then reminds her Greg is complicated (um, who isn’t on this show?), and tells her he’s worried Greg will disappoint her. Rebecca, surprisingly, plays it cool and insists she’s okay. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE, PEOPLE?
I’m not the only one wondering. After Greg sees Josh and Rebecca in intense conversation, he thinks his suspicions are confirmed and decides to drink heavily in an effort to hide his true feelings. You know, typical Greg stuff. Rebecca, all her attempts to let Greg know that she loves him thwarted (the magic carpet hover board dance was my fave), becomes despondent, but Darryl, wearing a matching tux as his date White Josh (which ranks high on the “best of” moments of this episode) sees Rebecca and knows there’s only one person who can cheer her up. Oh no, really?
Yes, really. Paula arrives in a flurry of apologies and compliments and she and Rebecca adorably re-establish their BFF standing (she’s still totally messed up, but yay!). Her last piece of advice to Rebecca (I doubt it) is to tell Greg how she really feels about him. SHE’S TRIED LIKE A MILLION TIMES, I shout.
Meanwhile, Josh’s Aunt Myrna (the fabulous Lea Salonga, a.k.a. Princess Jasmine) notices that Josh is at a crossroads and gives him his grandmother’s ring to give to Valencia. But just as he graciously accepts it he sees Aunt Myrna make eye contact with Valencia and knows they’re in cahoots, which makes him furious. However, Valencia is even more angry. After all, she’s been patient for 15 long years and suspects that Josh won’t ever marry her. “For the last few months I thought Rebecca Bunch was our problem, but it’s not. It’s you,” she yells at him before running out. That’s settles it. Valencia is now officially the most developed and sane character on this show… which says a lot.
In the ballroom, Rebecca tries — again — to tell Greg that she cares for him, but he’s drunk and thinks she’s about to break up with him. Plus, he’s remembering Josh and Rebecca’s intense connections over the past months, and knows he can’t win. “I think you’re cool,” he says before passing out.
Too bad, because he misses the moment. No, not Rebecca’s moment, the moment I’ve been waiting for since seeing Lea Salonga. Aunt Myrna sings! As she breaks into the theme from Slumbered (i.e., Rebecca’s anthem), Josh catches Rebecca’s eye. Guess I’m not the only one about to get a moment. “Meet me outside,” he texts. GOOSEBUMPS! TEARS! THE INDESCRIBABLE INSTANT! (But really, I’m having trouble putting the emotion of it all into words here.)
The orchestra swells as they meet and Josh pulls her away to Jayma’s going away car. After telling Rebecca that he and Valencia are over and that he can’t forget about her, he pulls her CAMP LETTER from his jacket pocket, and that’s all it takes for Rebecca to maul him on top of the convertible. Greg who? (He’s back at home vomiting on his couch, BTW, and finally able to admit — to his trash can — that he loves Rebecca.)
After a serious make out sesh where Josh somehow loses his shirt, it looks like Rebecca has gotten all she ever wanted and will live happily ever after. Yeah, who are we kidding? Because in the post-moment bubble, Rebecca easily confesses that she did, in fact, move to West Covina for Josh, and as his glow starts to visibly fade (all the way to black), she trills, “This is our moment, Josh Chan! I’m just so excited our love story can finally begin!”
What will season 2 bring? Or I guess the better question is, what will season 2 bring that is different than season 1 now that we’re pretty much right back where we began? Are you happy with the ending? Sound off in the comments below or catch me on Twitter @urmyfavetoday, and let’s discuss!