When we last left Rebecca and Greg, they were practically fornicating in the doorway of Home Base and he was promising her three days of them “ruining each other” (but not emotionally). Spoiler: He made good on one of the promises. Which one? Grab a glass of cranberry juice and let’s find out.
After three days spent holed up in a sex cocoon, Rebecca is starting to feel things. Things other than tingles in her lady parts. She’s ready to tackle the elephant in the room (settle down, we’ll get to Greg’s parts later) and brings up the whole issue of their troubled history. But Greg’s cool. He tells her the drama is all a distant memory and he wants to keep things “light and polite… ’cept in the bedroom.” While Rebecca is certainly riding high, well, on Greg, she’s clearly troubled by his new flip attitude.
After a booty call in a public bathroom (and me taking a time out to take a shower just from having to hear about it), Rebecca heads to Paula’s to help her bake a pie for the annual pie contest (just go with it). It seems the distinction of being the best pie baker in West Covina has eluded Paula in years past. She’s down in the dumps, so Rebecca vows to help her win, but Paula’s gloomy mood has nothing to do with pies. She’s still bummed about the Rebecca and Josh love story being in peril. And by bummed I mean unnaturally destroyed and dispirited. It reminds me a little of my mood when Brenda and Dylan broke up. IN 1991.
But when Paula discovers that Rebecca has her panties wadded up in her coat pocket AND PULLS THEM OUT…IN HER KITCHEN it’s like the blood rushes back into her lifeless and mopey (and horny) body. She’s crazy to know who Rebecca’s sleeping with, as long as it’s not Greg. Why not Greg? Because he’s Josh’s best friend and that would ruin Rebecca’s chances when she finally comes to her senses and runs back to him, as Paula seems to be betting her very existence on. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m not so sure who the crazy one really is supposed to be on this show.
Rebecca’s annoyed, but that’s not the only thing she’s feeling. She’s also got some wicked burning down in her netherlands, which as any woman who’s had her butterfly smashed for three days knows can mean only one thing: UTI. Greg, feeling mighty (ahem) cocky of making good on his promise to ruin Rebecca, not to mention his, um, apparent capaciousness, breaks into an anthem of pride, which I’m sure is already being optioned by Drake.
“My sweet love injection caused a urinary tract infection!”
“That bladder inflammation is my little gift to you, yeah, sometimes chicks need medication after what I put them through.”
“If it hurts to take a leak, well, that’s just part of my technique.”
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At Home Base, Greg’s strange new demeanor (i.e., happiness) isn’t lost on Hector, Heather, and Josh. After Rebecca shows up and is flirty with Greg, who is actually smiling and laughing, Hector and Heather figure it all out, but Josh, of course, does not. When Heather points out the obvious, Josh gets defensive and storms out, ending up at his dojo where he works out his feelings with a combination of impressive judo moves and some not-as-impressive pelvic thrusts.
Meanwhile, Hector and Heather are giving Greg and Rebecca very different advice. Hector points out that Greg’s finally got the upper hand and that he should continue to keep his cards to himself and string Rebecca along. He even convinces Greg to play the field. Heather, meanwhile, helps Rebecca realize that she’s got real feelings for Greg, which freaks her out, because she’s not used to having feelings for anyone but Josh… and herself.
NEXT: Rebecca’s torn up[pagebreak]
Speaking of being selfish, Paula is still acting like a little bitch (which, ironically, is exactly what Father Brah calls Josh after he complains to the man of cloth about Greg and Rebecca’s new relationship status). Paula is so obsessed by Rebecca’s love life (with Josh, specifically) that she won’t talk about anything else or join in Rebecca’s attempts at doing things non Josh-centric. Like being pie-spies. Seriously, what’s her deal? And what happened to her husband? Wasn’t it only a month or so ago that he was joining in on her fixation with Rebecca’s love life and they were reconnecting in a big way… in the kitchen? Plot hole, or are we to assume the poor guy gave up?
Rebecca isn’t giving up, even with that nasty UTI. With Greg still tearing her up in more ways than one (you guys, I wish I’d have thought of that, but it mostly came from Rebecca) she’s simultaneously considering — and singing — that “OMG, I think I like him!” It’s a sweet little song, and much like Greg’s UTI diddy, one that I’m super happy I got to hear while sitting right next to my teenage daughter. Why? Because of brilliantly cringeworthy lyrics like this:
“While my body’s getting ruined — like really trashed — I only want to look in your eyes. But then I’m upside down next to my kitchen sink and suddenly it’s like Oh My God I think… I like you.”
But Greg is still playing games and refuses to let Rebecca see that OMG he likes her too! Ya don’t say. But when Rebecca finds out he has a date she’s like, “Me too!” and they both sit side by side on the couch of denial (which, let’s not forget, is also the couch of the large semen stain) and act like the exhausting middle school kids they really are. It seems they’ve been ruined emotionally after all. Thanks a lot, GREG.
The next day at the pie contest, Paula and Rebecca are anxiously awaiting Paula’s Perfect Pecan Pie to be judged by Darryl, who is taking his job seriously even though he totally plans to vote for his two favorite BFFs (LiveLoveDarryl). Paula seems to have softened a bit to Rebecca’s efforts to rouse their friendship after their midnight pie-scapade, but still seems to be licking the wounds left by Josh’s absence. Suddenly, Rebecca collapses.
Arriving at his double date with Hector, Greg gets a text from Rebecca telling him she’s in the hospital. Despite Hector telling him that if he goes to her he’ll never have the upper hand again, Greg goes. Did anyone really think he wouldn’t?
At the hospital, Greg arrives, followed closely by Josh, who’s there because Paula texted, of course. The doctor enters.
Paula: What’s wrong with my cookie?
Doctor: I don’t know what’s wrong with your cookie, but hers is a mess!
Telling them that Rebecca’s UTI advanced to her kidneys because (PSA alert!) she didn’t take her meds, it’s clear to Paula that Rebecca has been keeping a sex secret and quickly realizes the man responsible is Greg… and she’s not happy.
BTW, I think I should point out to the less informed that you can get a UTI from things other than having ridiculous amounts of sex, but that if you do get one from one of those other things you should just let everyone assume it was from being ruined in the bedroom (or the bathroom… or the kitchen). Trust me, they will anyway.
So that’s it until next week’s season finale, where I predict one of these things will happen: Greg and Rebecca will start a real relationship based on pretty much nothing since she’s been screwing with his heart since last fall; Josh will lose his mind with jealousy and become the crazy ex; and Paula will prove she’s the most selfish of all of them and cut Rebecca out of her life for choosing the wrong man. On second thought, I predict all of these things will happen. Anyone with me? Let me know in the comments or over on Twitter @urmyfavetoday.