Remember at the end of last episode when it looked like Rebecca might finally stop looking for happiness in the form of testosterone and spend some time on herself? Well, folks, I think that hope was short-lived because just when we thought Rebecca 2.0 was making progress with her promise to break her old patterns, she jumped right back into one. Let’s be honest, there was a lot of Rebecca 1.0 in her final minute decision tonight, regardless of what his name was.
Rebecca started off strong, though, didn’t she? After she admits to Josh that she had…has…had feelings for him, she insists she’s going to change. She even wants to reach out to Valencia! “She hates your guts,” Josh reminds her, but Rebecca doesn’t care. She’s on a journey to be free of damaging, unhealthy things, which makes wanting to mend fences with Valencia instead of cutting her out of her life (or just cutting her) seem completely contradictory, but I’ll be optimistic.
Going “cold turkey on the Chan” is Step One of the new Rebecca, and much to Paula’s horror, Rebecca throws out all her Josh merch: thongs, pillows, mugs, even the macaroni portrait. Getting the reprieve, however, is the creepy “Channie-Bear.” Yeah, I’m not so sure I’d put that out for the public waste management fellows to see, either. Paula is outraged. She won’t support Rebecca’s abrupt detox, especially when the game has just begun. “You have antibodies to his saliva!” Paula shouts. Sounds like someone needs a hug from Channie-Bear.
Later, Greg is study drinking at a local bar when Rebecca walks in. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” he mumbles. Okay, fine, he doesn’t, but he should’ve. And just when it looks like they’re going to hang out and flirt (i.e., trade snarky barbs at each other), Rebecca 2.0 appears, reminding herself that she’s committed to breaking her old, bad patterns. Sorry, Greg, but it appears you’re one of them.
Don’t feel too sorry for him, though, because he doesn’t care. About anything. Despite his cockiness, he’s angry and bitter about having to attend crappy extension school when he got into Emory, “the Harvard of the south.” (BTW, I Googled it, because he told me to, and it’s actually Vanderbilt. Wah wah.) But whoop-de-frickin’-do, he raps. He could do lots of things … if he wanted to, which he doesn’t.
Meanwhile, the new-and-improved Rebecca is being tested. Josh’s mom and sisters show up at her apartment, and Jayma, the oldest sister, has a question: She asks Rebecca to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The whole family loves Rebecca, remember, and besides, “you are the perfect height to pair with Phillip’s friend Daniel who stopped growing after being a kid gymnast,” Jayma points out.
When Rebecca hesitates (stay strong, 2.0!), Paula pulls her away to remind her how much this will kill Valencia, which is a great point. But since Rebecca ain’t about that life anymore she tells Jayma how being a bridesmaid wouldn’t be fair to Valencia. Jayma comes up with the perfect solution: Despite her hatred of Valencia, she’ll put both of them in the wedding! (Fingers crossed there’s some bad meat and a battle over a toilet coming up.)
At the bridal shop, Valencia makes an entrance in fluffy angel wings (straight from her “Hometown Hottie” submission shoot for Maxim, of course) and is her usual, awful self to Rebecca. Rebecca, however, still so not her usual self, promises to make Valencia look so good in front of the Chan women they’ll want to adopt her. Rebecca is charming, funny, and kisses so much Valencia-ass that she manages to loosen it a little and gets some genuinely kind words out of our favorite little shrew. Although it could be fun to see a friendship form between these two, I so don’t trust where this is going, and for good reason.
Cut to the next day. Jayma summons her bridesmaids to show off her wedding dress and to drink copious amounts of celebratory champagne. After she leaves new BFFs Valencia and Rebecca in charge of packing up the dress, the tipsy two debate the age-old question: Which are better, big boobs or small ones? Rebecca takes the opportunity to sing about the angst of having to deal with “Heavy Boobs” while impressively swinging her big — and very real — ones up and down and round and round. (Note to self: Ask sister-in-law if she’s hiding my missing stapler.)
After they gush over the size of each other’s boobs for awhile, Rebecca puts on Jayma’s dress to prove how horrible it is to have to squish those huge sacks of yellow fat into a pretty dress. Then, still in major ass-kissing mode, she convinces Valencia to see how the dress looks “with a little B-cup action in there.” Despite enjoying the very Friends-esque feel of this scene, I feel a disaster coming on.
NEXT: Greg realizes he’s pathetic