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The Celebrity Apprentice recap: Bret Michaels Refuses to Stop Talking About Plumber's Crack

The rocker gets ”hot and sticky” on some radio spots, but corporate executives might be offended

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Bret Michaels Celeb
Mitch Haaseth/NBC

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
On Hiatus
Reality TV

Reality television has introduced us to a lot of magnetic, electric personalities, people whose charisma leaped off the screen and turned them into national sensations. Richard Hatch ofSurvivor was the first, of course, to be followed by Big Brother‘s Dr. Will, Bachelor BobThe Apprentice‘s Omarosa, Charla from The Amazing RaceProject Runway‘s Christian Siriano, and I would even make a special case for crazy, bug-eyed Toni from Love Cruise/Paradise Hotel. These are people you simply couldn’t take your eyes off of. They demanded your attention. They commanded your interest. They were just that riveting. And then there are Jim Abrams and John Young from Clockwork Home Services, or, as I like to call them, Fuddy and Duddy.

Granted, the stuffed shirt corporate execs that usually populate Celebrity Apprentice are not exactly P.T. Barnum, but have you ever seen two men with less of a personality or a sense of humor in your entire life? I mean, hell, they even managed to make that robot Summer Sanders look like a breath of fresh air! I pity poor Clockwork Home Services. They paid all that money to get themselves all over two hours of a network television show (NBC is still considered a network, right?), and then the guys who run it are portrayed as completely joyless. It’s actually somewhat shocking that Summer lost this task and was fired because if anyone was capable of living up to the no-fun pledge of a company with as undynamic a title as One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning, it was her. Of course, that turned out to be exactly the problem. Summer would make afantastic Clockwork Home Services executive. She could attend corporate functions and they could all sit around their conference table figuring out exciting new ways to suck the fun out of every morsel of life.  But asking Summer to be creative is like asking Trump to be modest: ain’t gonna happen. Bret, on the other hand…

This could have been a disaster: Glam metal/debauchery TV star Bret Michaels creating three radio spots for two old dudes who have made it very clear that they want no humor nor anything even remotely risqué in their ads. And it certainly seemed headed that way as Bret’s original inspiration for the plumbing spot seemed to consist of him and Sharon Osbounre making various pooping noises. But amazingly, Bret was eventually able to find the middle ground: sexing up his One Hour Heating and Air Conditioning ad with a ’70s porn soundtrack and talk of being ”hot and sticky,” while also creating a 1930’s swing sound spot for Mister Sparky (which only sounds like the name of someone’s pet vibrator). Of course, Bret had to earn his bad boy stripes, insisting on inserting a crack on plumber’s crack into his Benjamin Franklin spot, even after Fuddy and Duddy has expressly warned him not to do so. It had no reason being in there and added nothing to the ad, but sometimes the rocker just needs to rock the boat, baby! He even took time out to mock Fuddy and Duddy’s seriousness on the matter, sarcastically proclaiming. ”Listen, I’ve possessed some plumber’s crack a few times in my life and I know how hurtful it is when people make fun of me, so I try to never make fun of plumber’s crack. It’s a serious matter.” Say, you feel a little water splashing in? That’s because this boat has just officially been ROCKED!

NEXT PAGE: A new drinking game!