What the hell?!? Where did all the celebrities go? We started this week’s episode with 10 contestants, but next thing you know, everyone decided to play hooky. Sharon Osbourne claimed she was too sick to compete. Oldest excuse in the world. Michael Johnson claimed he had a ”personal matter” to attend to and therefore had to leave. Oldest excuse in the world. Cyndi Lauper said that she had to go meet with the President of the United States to celebrate a new law being passed. Oldest excuse in the world. (Seriously, who hasn’t been front row at the White House shaking hands with the Commander in Chief at the signing of new legislation?) It got so bad I half expected Curtis Stone to come in complaining that he was also unable to compete because the dog had eaten his homework (or, more likely in this case, his hair gel). Of course, we know the real reason for all these defections: The celebrities just can’t find it in their hearts to continue without Rod Blagojevich. His steely leadership. His unwavering vision. His mastery of hand-held technology. The remaining players feel simply lost without these things. And it’s hard to blame them. Still, if this mass exodus keeps up there will be no celebrities left. Of course, one could argue that there were no real celebrities to start the season, so….
You know, I get all high and mighty when it comes to rules and issues of fairness on my other reality obsession, Survivor. It’s why I hated the Outcasts twist in the Pearl Island season, (when contestants who had already been voted off and were enjoying full meals and showers were able to re-enter the game, with one of them making it all the way to the end). ”You’re messing with the integrity of the game!” I yelled from the highest rooftop. (I don’t actually go on rooftops. You could fall and die and that would be bad.) But honestly, when it comes to Celebrity Apprentice, I couldn’t care less. And that’s one for simple reason: There is no integrity to this game! Sure, the conceit is that Trump fires the least competent person every week, but need I remind you that Blago made it all the way to week four, and even then Trump would have fired Bret Michaels instead had Rob brought him back to the boardroom.
In fact, one of my favorite things about Celebrity Apprentice is when the show attempts to show that there are, in fact, rules governing fairness when every morsel of evidence points to the contrary. I never laughed harder than when Michael Johnson came to tell Trump he was leaving because of a personal issue involving his son, but that he might be able to come back later, and Trump responded with ”I don’t think it will help if you come back because you will have missed too much time. You won’t be able to compete. It’s not fair to the other people because people will be fired in between and that’s not fair to the rest of the team, right?”
But it’s fair when Sharon Osbourne misses an entire challenge with a cough? Or when The Donald says point blank that he will not fire Cyndi specifically for the reason that she missed 80 percent of the task while attending another matter? IT MAKES NO SENSE! But here’s the thing: I don’t care! I really don’t. Any other show I would be screaming bloody murder — a judge’s ”save,” American Idol? Really? — but when it comes to Celebrity Apprentice this complete lack of any semblance of consistency or logic only makes the show even more entertaining. And ultimately, that’s all I care about.
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