Welcome, young adventurer! Welcome! It is I, Headmaster Blagojevich! Prepare yourself for a world of magic and sorcery. Hop aboard the Hogsnorts Express as it transports you to the Wizened World of Happy Porter! That’s right! And I hope you brought your schoolbooks with you, for your first stop in the Wicked World of Hammy Potted is here at Hogsnorts, where you will be enrolled in one of four classes. You may find yourself in Slythering, or perhaps even Ravencloth. Who knows! No, seriously, who knows? I can’t remember any of this stupid kid’s crap. I was a governor, but I didn’t govern dorky nerds living in a fantasy world for crissakes! Wait, is this mic still on? Dammit! Oh, wait, Hufflegruff? Is that right? Hufflegruff? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? NO MATTER! For at the Weekend Wall of Handsy Pork Chop, we have other attractions ready to enchant and enthrall! Like the…uh, the…the…the dragon ride! Yes, the dragon of some sort of rideymathingee. It, is…um, enchanting! And…er, enthralling! And it…uh, CAN I GET SOME MORE SMOKE IN HERE, PLEASE!
Annnnnnnnnnnnd…scene. The smoke was actually all too appropriate seeing as how Rod Blagojevich was in a fog this entire episode — the entire season really. What an incredible specimen this man is. Never have I come across someone so clueless. And this guy ran one of the biggest states in the union! How frightening is that? He was making huge decisions affecting millions of people…and he can’t even use a cell phone. Or a computer. Or make any decisions whatsoever. He’s utterly helpless. He is like a little child. Which is why this task of creating a promotional interactive display for a Harry Potter theme park should have been right up his alley as Project Manager. But it wasn’t. Because he’s incompetent. He looked completely clueless while meeting with the executives, slept the entire flight home, offered zero direction to his teammates, and couldn’t even remember basic facts about the theme park, its signature ride, or anything having to do with anything involving Harry Potter.
Which is exactly what has made him such a riveting character to watch. And which is exactly why Donald Trump did everything in his power to try and fire Bret Michaels instead. For you hardcore Celebrity Apprentice historians, let me go waaaaaaay back to 2008 and drop two words on you: Gene Simmons. Simmons was almost as absurd as Blago, albeit in a completely different way. Trump knew it and was dying to keep him, the same way he kept lunatics like Omarosa around because they made such good TV. But Simmons refused to bring people into the Boardroom with him that Trump could even somewhat-legitimately fire instead, forcing the well-coiffed one to dump the KISS bassist. And that’s exactly what happened here. Trump was begging — BEGGING! — Blago to bring Bret into the Boardroom with him. He asked him once if he wanted to change his mind. He asked him twice. He even tried to get Bret to somehow drag himself into the boardroom. He might as well have just hoisted up a huge neon sign that said, ”Yo, Blago-sphere — figure it out! I’m trying to do us both a solid here.”
Make no mistake: Bret in no way, shape, or form deserved to get fired. But at least Trump could work out some convoluted logic about how since Bret oversaw the failed challenge that he kinda, sorta, maybe could somehow be fired so that the hilarity that is Blagojevich could be kept around for a few more episodes. But when Rod insisted on bringing the Flash and the spiky-haired chef instead, the Trumpster knew there was no even semi-legitimate way around it: His reality TV meal ticket had to go.
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