You know, I have to admit: I was nervous when I decided to start recapping Celebrity Apprentice. Sure, I’ve been recapping Survivor for years, but could I handle the urban jungle as deftly as the island one? Last week went pretty well, I think, and I sure do appreciate all the kind feedback, but I couldn’t get past the nagging feeling that there was something missing. Did I forget to harp on the hilarity of Cyndi Lauper dissing Trump’s wife? No, I had that in there. Was I negligent in reveling in The Donald giving himself props for having more sexual conquests than “celebrity chef” Curtis Stone? Nope, there was plenty of reveling. So what was my first Celebrity Apprentice recap missing? I know! BALLOONS!!! Red balloons. Yellow balloons.Goldenrod balloons! I need to turn this thing into freakin’ Balloonapalozza! And you know why? Because everyone loves balloons. Don’t believe me? Just ask my man Rod Blagojevich, who turned this week’s task into an invitation to rock a little 5th Dimension and go “up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloooooooon.” The only way he could have become any more obsessed with balloon related paraphernalia is if he started sucking helium straight from the canister and reciting his whole “I’m innocent of all charges” speech while sounding like one of the Chipmunks.
Okay, as usual, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it from the top. Before we could get to all the hilarious ineptitude, we had to get through what is always my least favorite part of the episode — the previous winning Project Manager delivering his/her winnings to charity. I know, I know, I’m evil. Look, it’s great that this show is raising so much money for charitable causes. I totally support it. I just don’t need to watch five minutes of somebody handing over a check. This week was a bit different, however, as Poison’s Bret Michaels instead entertained two young boys with diabetes, because that obviously would be more dramatic and likely to get viewers reaching for the Kleenex. Personally, I found it to be one of the more curious pep talks I’ve ever seen. ”I live a crazy lifestyle,” Bret told the youngsters. ”I’m here to show kids you can live a full lifestyle: You can rock.” I get the message he was trying to convey — don’t let an illness like this hold you back from your dreams. But I also have visions of the kids running home all excited: ”Mom! Dad! Bret Michaels says that I can be just like him and write really awful songs about banging lots of fat chicks! He says I can also make music videos about how hard life on the road is when you’re in a popular glam metal band, that I can do lines of blow off of a hooker’s ass, and that I can star in not one, not two, but three seasons of a raunchy VH1 reality dating show where I have sex with all the contestants and then pretend to date one for a month before kicking her to the curb as well. I CAN BE JUST LIKE BRET MICHAELS! YAY!!!”
After corrupting America’s youth, Bret rejoined his team as the men and women both stood outside awaiting Trump’s arrival when he would give them their instructions for the next task. And arrive he did…in his limo. (Hey, what happened to walking? I guess the whole man-of-the-people thing was a one-week deal.) The challenge was for each team to create a Kodak storefront experience. Celebrity Apprentice and Kodak have a long, proud history together, and I guarantee you that wherever he is right now, Gene Simmons is trying to convince someone that “It’s a Kodak world, we just live in it” is still the best advertising slogan ever created. (Whether he is doing this while in or out of 10 tons of silver and black makeup is anyone’s guess.) But those sneaky bastards from Kodak had a trick up their sleeve this time: SECRET SHOPPERS! That’s right, SECRET SHOPPERS! And yes, I am going to continue to write the words “SECRET SHOPPERS” in all caps because that’s simply the only way I can possibly convey how incredibly dramatic this twist was. Let me break this down for you: These people would be shoppers who would shop — now, follow me if you can because this is where it gets tricky — in secret. That’s right: They’re SECRET SHOPPERS! They can strike any time at any place. Well, technically, that’s not true: Their power ceases to exit outside of the two designated storefont zones where the teams were competing, but still… SECRET SHOPPERS! They could be men, women, or — get this — children. SECRET SHOPPERS! They could be fat, skinny, or a little skinny in the midsection and fat in the ass. SECRET SHOPPERS! Trust no one. Fear everyone. SECRET SHOPPERS! Oh, you evil genius Kodak bigwigs, laughing manically in your secret lairs as you concoct Machiavellian schemes that can embarrass and ensnare even the lamest of 1980s comedians and disgraced former baseball stars. Your day will come, Kodak! Your day will come!
NEXT: Goldberg grabs Bret Michaels in Bret’s special place