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The Celebrity Apprentice season premiere recap: Cyndi Lauper Calls Trump Fat and Disses His Wife!

Oh, and this just in: Rod Blagojevich is innocent of all charges. Just ask him; he’ll tell you!

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Mitch Haaseth

The Celebrity Apprentice

TV Show
Current Status:
On Hiatus
Reality TV

I’m a broken record. For a few years now I’ve been screaming about how Celebrity Apprenticewas the most wonderfully absurd television show in history. I’ve told friends. I’ve told family. I tweeted Celebrity Apprentice screeds to followers (you can be one too @EWDaltonRoss— nice plug, eh?). It was a long and complex argument — a dissertation, if you will, based on the fact that D-list celebrities were competing for a job they would never actually fill while humiliating themselves on a weekly basis along the way. But I don’t need to recite it again. For anyone that remains unconvinced, all I need to do is point them to the first two minutes of the third Celebrity Apprentice premiere as exhibit A as to why this is the silliest show ever. The moment I’m referring to, of course, took place as Donald Trump was explaining how all the contestants were putting their careers on hold for charity. (It’s true, to a degree. They are competing for the charity of their choice and should be commended for doing so. Of course, I make it a habit of fast forwarding those segments of the program where they present the check they have won to their appropriate charity, because I am a cold hearted bastard who only cares about whore pit vipers and watching Clint Black pretend to use laundry detergent as a lubricant for masturbation, but yes, charity is a significant element of the show). But here’s when things got completely amazing. As Trump was telling us all this, he arrived at his limo. Oh, I guess we’ll just continue this conversation in the car then. GUESS AGAIN, SUCKA! ”You know what? I’m walking,” Trump bellowed to his limo driver, who acted like that was the most normal thing in the world for Donald Trump to say.

Okay, a few things here: 1) My guess is this is the first time Donald Trump has walked more than one block in his entire life. He’s Donald Trump! He takes a limo to the freakin’ bathroom! 2) I guess this was supposed to symbolize that Trump was also doing his part to put his lavish lifestyle aside to help out the little people, but how does Donald Trump not being driven to Grand Central Station help any charitable cause whatsoever? Okay, maybe he lowered his carbon footprint by .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 percent, but seriously, it’s not exactly Babe Ruth hitting a home run for a dying kid in the hospital. ”You know what? I’m walking.” Hilarious.

And therein lies the genius of Celebrity Apprentice. It doesn’t come close to making sense on any level whatsoever — and that’s precisely why it’s so damn entertaining. Rod Blagojevich taking chicken cutlet orders? Love it! Washed-up comic Sinbad walking around as a human billboard? Bring it on! Some random wrestler woman that I’ve never seen in my life carrying sodas to a table…with her boobs! Can’t get enough! I also adore how the show is always two hours long, because no way could all the ”action” possibly be contained into a single hour each week. You know what? This show could be…three hours a week, and I’d still hang on every scene.

NEXT: The selecting of team names and Project Managers