Hey, guys. I’m going to “do something a little different” this time. And by “do something a little different” I mean do the exact same thing I do each and every week — break down the most amazing show in the history of television, The Celebrity Apprentice. Think I’m adding a tad of hyperbole by affixing such a label to a silly reality show? Nonsense! When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And when in Trump land, do as Trump does, which means shouting out absurd declarations as facts and ignoring any and all evidence to the contrary. You know, declarations such as “I delivered the most entertaining cast of stars ever!” And my personal favorite to Marlee Matlin: “You won the Academy Award. And you’re an even bigger star now!” Really, she’s a bigger star for appearing on your show than she was for winning the most prestigious award in all of Hollywood? You know what, Donald? That’s totally and utterly…CORRECT! Because Celebrity Apprentice is, after all, the most amazing show in the history of television!!! And it can be even more amazing if they follow my casting suggestions for next season.
But back to Trump and his declarations. They usually make no sense in a “that can’t be actually true” kind of way, but last night he topped himself by saying something that made no sense because he simply didn’t follow through on it. Right before naming John Rich as his winner, he promised “I’m gonna do something a little different tonight.” Only then he proceeded to do nothing different in the least, naming Rich his champ and then saying goodnight. I have to imagine there was a production snafu that led to the last minute confusion. The show was clearly running short on time so whatever Trump planned, they simply skipped it and got right to the decision. But what was it? There are some theories floating around that the difference was that he did not fire Marlee, but he never does that at finales, merely “hiring” the winner, so no difference there. Was Trump going to deliver his decision in sign language (which would have been rubbing a little extra salt on Marlee’s wounds considering she didn’t win)? Was he going to put the cowboy hat on again and start singing “For the Kids?” Was he going to name La Toya the winner because he seemed mildly obsessed with her all season long anyway? I have no idea, but there were plenty of other oddities and awesome moments to cherish so let’s roll out the red carpet and get to it.
* Did someone say red carpet? This was clearly one of the most amazing openings to any Celebrity Apprentice episode, even more amazing than when Trump ordered his limo away with the words “I’m walking” (apparently to accentuate his man of the people-ness). This time around, Trump walked down the streets of New York City while two dudes literally rolled out a red carpet in front of him. Some may call it a silly stunt. I say it should be a permanent way of life. Imagine if Trump had these two schmoes roll out the carpet everywhere he went. How pimped out would that be? Or, if Trump felt that was showing off too much — and really, what are the chances of that happening? — he could always make it orange to match the color of his skin. Merely a suggestion.
NEXT: Lisa’s girls come out to play