I’ve often joked about and taken delight in how arbitrary and absurd the elimination process is on Celebrity Apprentice. There is clearly little-to-no logic involved in Trump’s firing decisions, as he scrambles to keep the people that he thinks will create the most drama. (Need I remind you that Gary Busey made it all the way to episode 7?) And often the most entertaining tasks were the ones that were completely bungled on every level. (Need I remind you that La Toya Jackson refused to allow the Playmate of the Year to get in a bikini to sell sunscreen…and somehow still won over the equally inept men?) However, one of the things I do want from Celebrity Apprentice is worthy people in the finals, and allow me to say that is the best final two in Celebrity Apprentice history! (Granted it’s a pretty short history, but still.)
Piers Morgan was a force to be reckoned with in season 1, but Trace Adkins — as nice as he was — didn’t quite measure up. Annie Duke completely dominated season 2 (not just in fund-raising; she also beat professional musician Clint Black in a jingle-writing contest) yet was faced against an unworthy Joan Rivers in the finals. (Trump then made the situation even more inexplicable by naming Rivers the winner because he didn’t want to award it to another allegedly unlikable personality — still the most egregious decision in CA history.) Bret Michaels was a great feel good story last year, but his face-off against Holly Robinson Peete was hardly a clash of the titans. But John Rich vs. Marlee Matlin? Now we’re talkin’! Both smart, talented, and worthy of the Celebrity Apprentice throne. (A throne built out of congealed Veleveeta perhaps, but a throne nonetheless.)
The only problem is that because they’re both so awesome, there is no clear person for me to root for. On one hand, John Rich sports a dope handlebar moustache, and that’s worthy of my support right there. On the other, Marlee raised a freakin’ million dollars on one task, and is fun and self-deprecating enough to treat us to her brand of “deaf comedy.” Also, a victory for her is, by extension, a victory for interpreter-to-the-stars Jack Jason. And you know how I feel about Jack Jason. I feel so good about Jack Jason that I am considering having earplugs surgically implanted in my ear canal so I can steal him away from Marlee and have him come work for me instead. First he’ll have to teach me sign language though. And rob a bank for me so I can afford to pay him. Ugh…the surgery, learning, and bank robbing — it’s all too much work. You can keep him, Marlee. And you, dear readers, can keep the Five Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of the Week.
1. Three cheers for Piers!
Piers Morgan may be a slightly skeezy character, but he’s straight up money on this show. We were reminded of this when he and the other two CA winners — Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels — interviewed the final four candidates before Trump chose his final two. Whether asking John Rich “It’s quite an annoying hat, isn’t it?,” chastising Lil Jon for saying that he didn’t deserve to be in the final two, or challenging Meat Loaf about whether he cried all the time and had anger management issues, Piers went in with a mission of testing each of the candidates. Mission accomplished.
Of course, Joan and Bret had their moments too. Joan’s came after Lil Jon explained that he wanted to be on Celebrity Apprentice “To show that not all rappers are blunt smoking, crack smoking ignorant people.” “Can you give us names?” she replied. For Bret, you may as well have set a timer to measure how long it would take for him to hit on Marlee. The only problem is, before you even had time to set the damn thing he was already blurting out that, “I’ll tell you one thing, you’re forgetting the fact that she’s hot and not hard to look at at all.” It seems to me someone is itching to go out and demonstrate his famous Tour Bus Thrust! Just make sure you let Trump know how it goes, Bret. He apparently likes to keep tabs on what Marlee’s up to in the bedroom.
NEXT: Why is Meat Loaf so damn happy?