For four seasons now, people have scoffed at me when I proclaimed Celebrity Apprentice to be the most entertaining show on television. Mad Men? A stylish and sexy look at a bygone era. Modern Family? A fantastic sitcom with hilarious characters in relatable situations. 30 Rock? Alec Baldwin still makes me laugh every time he opens his mouth. Those shows are all good. But let me ask you this: Do any of those programs feature in depth discussions about women “crawling up” Star Jones’ ass? And what a discussion it was! It all started innocently enough, with NeNe complaining in the Boardroom that, “I felt like a couple of these girls were crawling up Star’s ass.” That’s not a remarkable statement in the dissing and dismissing vernacular of reality TV. But check out the follow-up by the man who may or may not be running for President of the United States, Donald Trump: “By the way, much nicer now that she lost all the weight.” WHAT?!? Hold on, is Donald Trump saying what I think he’s saying — that because Star Jones underwent weight-loss surgery, that therefore her “ass” is more appealing and a place where other women may, in fact, want to crawl into? Can you even say that on network television? Can I even write that on this web site?
But then, because this is Celebrity Apprentice, things got even more bizarre. Star took it upon herself to comment on the hypothetical situation of her teammates crawling into her ass pre-weight loss. “It would not have been very comfortable for you back then,” she noted. See, now that I just don’t get. If women are indeed going to be crawling up in your caboose, wouldn’t a bigger bottom provide a little more living space? I’m merely concerned things might get a bit crowded is all. This is where a little more “junk in the trunk” could actually work to your advantage.
Now even Trump seemed confused. And yet he felt the need to weigh in even more. “The other way, it wouldn’t have been acceptable,” he agreed. Again, isn’t space at a premium here? I mean, this whole business seems like a tight squeeze to begin with, but given the choice, I’d take my chances with 300-pound Star any day, thank you very much. The fact that Donald Trump sought fit to conduct a nationally televised debate on the perfect weight of Star Jones’ ass for cramming women into is bizarre enough. But it reaches levels of epic proportion when you consider that it all took place on a show devoted to raising money for charity! Brilliant. Simply brilliant. As are our other Five Awesomely Absurd Celebrity Apprentice Moments of the Week.
NEXT: Would you vote for this man?