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Prepare yourself, ladies and gentlemen. Strap yourself in good and tight, because I am about to lay on you the greatest quote in Celebrity Apprentice history. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Impossible! Better than an entire season full of Buseyisms? Better. Better than the “whore pit vipers” escapade of 2009? Better. Better than Rod Blagojevich butchering the names of every single Harry Potter character? Sooooo much better. I’m not going to even set the scene or offer any sort of context at all. The quote is just that good. And with that, I present to you…Miss Aubrey O’Day.
“Teresa thinks that everybody is great friends and that they all love her, but the second that we lose, Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she’ll get to see what I went through the other night.”
Ummm…no, wait, I need a minute to digest that. Okay…nope, still not ready. Thought I was, but I wasn’t. Give me another minute. [Deep breath] So, let’s focus on the last part of that sentence, shall we? “Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her and she’ll get to see what I went through the other night.”
START THE GANG-BANG ON HER?!? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, did Lisa Lampanelli just take a side-job as network censor? How the hell does that make it past the standards and practices department and onto network television? Again, “Clay and Arsenio will start the gang-bang on her.” Does Teresa’s husband Joe know that Clay and Arsenio are about to start the gang-bang on her? Is he cool with that? Is he part of it? And is that really what Aubrey “went through the other night?” If so, how did that not make the show? So many questions!
I have so much more to say on this topic but I honestly don’t know how to comment any further without either getting fired or blowing up the internet, so I’m just going to sit here in silent awe for awhile…………. Okay, I’m ready to move on, but it also should be noted that I certainly wouldn’t put it past Celebrity Apprentice to stage a spin-off series: Celebrity Gang-Bang. Hey, what’s the big deal? It’s for charity!
But this truly odd choice of words was just one of many shockingly saucy moments from last night’s Celebrity Apprentice. No, you were not dreaming when you heard Teresa Giudice tell Clay Aiken to “Come over here, honey and get behind me” and Clay respond with “Here, take it in your hand.” You weren’t dreaming — you were having a nightmare! And if I weren’t already so mentally scarred by the Teresa/Clay/Arsenio threesome, I would no doubt be extremely troubled by Aubrey cooing “Daddy!” at Paul and Paul immediately bringing up the topic of spanking. What-in–the-name-of-a-strongly-worded-Human-Resources-sensitivity-training-memo is going on here? Gang bangs? Role playing? Spanking? Just another season of Celebrity Apprentice, baby! Here are the five other best things from last night’s episode.
1. Lisa Vs. Arsenio
You knew things would not be all happy-happy-joy-joy when Lisa met up with Arsenio after he brutalized Aubrey in the Boardroom. Maybe Arsenio figured he could hide from her by pulling a Corey Hart and wearing his sunglasses at night, but he was wrong. In a fantastic display, you had Lisa on one side of the room telling Teresa that the men on her team were “little bitches” while Arsenio was on the other side of the room telling Paul that Aubrey was a “bitch” and a “whore.” Damn, who isn’t a bitch on this show? Not Lisa Lampanelli apparently. “You’re going straight for bitch and whore?” she confronted Arsenio. “Really? You better hope I’m never on your team because if anybody calls me a bitch or whore they’re gonna have way more problems when they f—ing do it.”
NEXT: Anyone seen Penn Jillette?