That’s why it was so hilarious to see this elaborate sidewalk show go absolutely haywire when the balloon popped, releasing $8,000 and igniting a mad rush of curious onlookers to fill their pockets, bras, and — according to Clay Aiken — butt cracks with cash. It seems Mr. Aiken was also achin’ after getting into some minor scuffles while protecting the cash. Why so fancy with the cash delivery, Blue Man Group? Just hand them the envelope! Make it a blue envelope! Take back the color blue from those pesky upstart Smurfs! I don’t care. But hand them a damn envelope!
“It was a disaster,” Clay fumed later in the Boardroom. “It was a horrible idea.” Clay then continued to express his outrage by continuing the fuzzy math theme of the week by somehow insisting that he knew the team only recovered $2,000 of the $8,000 BMG money. (That’s 25% for you playing along at home, or 55.5% in Lou Ferrigno terms.) That could have been a killer for the men considering the difference between winning and losing was a mere $14, in which case team Unanimous would have been seeing red for not seeing enough of the green from the men of blue.
2. The Check is in the Mail
Trying to find someone — anyone! — to donate some money to the team, Arsenio called on his old late night rival Jay Leno. The man who once famously boasted (on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, no less) “I’m going to kick Leno’s ass,” was now ready to kiss Leno’s ass. (Arsenio also wrote a fascinating 1992 letter to EW explaining his adversarial relationship with Leno, which includes both the words “racist” and “insulting.” It’s a must read.) Apparently, bygones are bygones because now Leno tells his former Dog Pound nemesis he’s sending him a blank check. “Don’t go crazy,” the only man on Earth with a chin more prominent than my own tells Arsenio.
Even though we were treated to several shots of Arsenio waiting nervously for said blank check to arrive the next day, I figured this was just another classic Celebrity Apprentice ruse. 110% percent of all Celebrity Apprentice fundraising tasks feature a celeb nervously sweating out a big donor, who always arrives with mere minutes left on the clock. Not this time! The check indeed came, but too late. Actually, the problem was that the check came too early — before Arsenio’s office opened, so it was stuck on a FedEx truck. (It seems whenever it comes to Jay Leno, my man Arsenio just can’t catch a break.) In any event, kudos to the show for actually following its own rules. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.
3. The Mouth That Roared…And Cursed Up a Storm
“In front of millions of people, I suffered with her fresh mouth.” That’s a pretty incredible Donald Trump quote about Lisa Lampanelli when taken out of context — which is precisely the way I prefer to take all my quotes. The Queen of Mean was in rare form this evening, railing against anyone she deemed unworthy. Lisa’s piece de resistance was yelling “Shut up!” over and over at Dayana, who was merely suggesting an addition to their NYC booklet. “I am sick of this pressure from women who all they do is look in a f—ing mirror,” said Double L. “F— you! Develop a talent and a brain and then maybe the world will take you seriously.” I’d like to go on record as stating that is completely uncalled for and disrespectful. Annnnnnnd kind of funny. More please!
NEXT: Teresa and Debbie argue about their boobs