I don’t know how Dalton Ross does it. Every week, the man manages to wrangle the catty showdowns (from both boy and girl), the brow-raising observations (“Tia, do you want peonies?”) and the sheer illogicality of sparring celebrities on Donald Trump’s Funtime Ranch of Miserable D-List Cattle. You see, I’m only filling in on this week’s recap while Dalton is on vacation, and so I’ve had to struggle to wrap my brain around how best to relay to you readers the utter ridiculata that is The Celebrity Apprentice.
Last week saw a rare double-whammy firing, with Trump canning two unworthy celebrities: Adam Carolla, who tried to go against Trump Law and wound up excommunicated, and Michael Andretti, who Trump most likely booted for having the personality of a cup of yogurt. But there were no tears when the men returned to the luxury suite with two less players. Instead, Lou “I Can Do Anything” Ferrigno and Tia “Remember Me?” Carrere saw the dual demotions as a warning and quietly vowed that if the two of them didn’t step up soon, they were next to be axed. Credits roll… and it’s Celebrity Apprentice time! Money money mon-ay!
Flash forward to the next morning, when our troupe of pseudo-celestials arrives on the shiny floor of the New York Public Library. Supposedly, because it has a floor, the Library was the most appropriate place to introduce this week’s task about mops, as opposed to, say, a place where you can actually buy a mop. The task? To create a viral video for O-Cedar, a century-old cleaning product company that I’ve never heard of. This week, Trump is flanked by two O-Cedar executives (who clearly attended the Michael Andretti School of Public Speaking) and his male Trumplings, Don Jr. and Eric, who will no doubt have zero expertise on the topic of cleaning (says Don. Jr. later, “I don’t do mopping”). Flabbergasted, I am not.
As discussed the night before, Lou and Tia quickly volunteered to be the project managers for their respective teams, but this wouldn’t be Celebrity Apprentice if they didn’t duly embarrass themselves first: Tia, with the gem, “My ex is in the commercial business, so I’ve seen all the videos and all the directors,” and Lou, who does two push-ups to demonstrate his project managing strength (because Hulk forbid that he do something in this competition without first acting like a street monkey who dances for bananas — or, in this case, like a veiny mound of plastic-wrap that does calisthenics for shots of protein powder).
NEXT: Clay Aiken wrinkles his nose at Penn’s nose-wrinkling