Star Jones says she writes her presentations with “pause points for applause.” I mention this only because Celebrity Apprentice is so packed full of awe-inspiring absurdity they have no time to pause for applause when they put together the episodes. Just as you’re recovering from one bit of delicious insanity, you’re bowled over with another. There’s La Toya Jackson, making like Thomas Dolby and being literally blinded by science (in this case, Lasik eye surgery). There’s NeNe and Star arguing over the proper sexless way to say, “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.” And, of course, there is Gary Busey with his junk flopping out of his bathrobe as he inquires, “Did you see Big Wednesday?” (“That’s what my fiancée calls my apparatus — Big Wednesday,” he explains to the completely horrified actress sitting next to him).
People may complain about the show being two hours, but you know what? I say make it three hours! I tend to be an “all killer, no filler” kind of guy, but I don’t see any filler in this show. None at all. It’s gold — all of it. Even down to those hilariously over-rehearsed scenes where The Donald meets with the execs that have just paid for two hours of product placement and they tell him “the winner is…” before pausing so the editors can cut straight to the Boardroom. Amazing. Hell, I could watch an entire hour of just Marlee Matlin’s aggressively animated interpreter, Jack Jason. That guy is hypnotic! And without further ado, it’s time to present our Five Celebrity Apprentice Absurdities of the Week!
1. This exchange between Star Jones and Gary Busey:
Star: “She’s classy and she’s grateful”
Gary: “What’s that?”
Star: “She’s classy.”
Star: “That’s what I said.”
Gary: “You said classy.”
Star: “Classy. C-L-A-S-S-Y.”
Gary: “Okay, she’s classy?”
Star: “She’s a very classy woman.”
What the hell? We can’t blame this on bad hearing since Gary just gave a tearful speech on how Marlee had saved his life by getting him hearing aids. Plus, he recognizes the word “classy” pretty early on in the conversation, yet is still confused. Maybe he was simply still basking in the glory of winning as Project Manager. And for those of you keeping score at home, yes, Gary Busey did say that he considers promoting camping gear on Celebrity Apprentice to be of “equal” stature in his career to being nominated for an Oscar and a Golden Globe. The Globe I can see — I mean, Pia Zadora won a Golden Globe for crissakes — but an Oscar?
2. Gay Jose Canseco wanting to frolic with aliens
After the teams were tasked with creating a 30-second ad for a new video phone for a vaguely cultish-appearing company called ACN (what’s up with calling all of their salespeople “leaders”?), Jose Canseco had a few questions for the executives. “When you mention you connect face to face no matter where they are, you talking about on this planet?,” asked Jose. “Can we go beyond that?”
“In what realm are you referring?” answered the executive whose name I did not bother to remember or write down.
“Communicating with aliens,” responded Jose, “in a very positive, very personal, very funny way.”
First off, how did that not query not come out of the mouth of Gary Busey?!? That’s Busey Speak 101 right there. (Maybe Busey is one of the aliens Jose was referring to.) But Jose was about to leave for the rest of the episode and be replaced by…Pablo!
NEXT: Jose goes gay