Ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over. No longer will you have to stare at your television screen in the direction of the slightly stocky gentleman with the goatee and the vaguely familiar last name and ask yourself, “Who the hell is that?” No longer will you wonder why he never talks or does anything even remotely interesting. No longer will you have to listen to people referring to him as a “legend” even though you are relatively confident that those same people aren’t even quite sure of what his accomplishments actually are. Because race car diver Michael Andretti — the son of more famous race car driver Mario, and father of even less famous race car driver Marco — has finally run out of gas. (To be honest, he seemed to be running on empty the entire time.)
That’s right, Michael was fired alongside Adam Carolla. He seemed like a perfectly nice individual. Only one problem: WE DON’T WANT PERFECTLY NICE INDIVIDUALS ON THIS SHOW! I’m just going to come right out and say it: Michael Andretti is the worst Celebrity Apprentice contestant ever. Let me be clear: I don’t mean the most ineffective person to ever appear on the show. After all, I watched Darryl Strawberry sleep through half a season two years ago. And Gary Busey might just be the most frightening faux-businessman on the face of the planet. But at least Strawberry was amusing in his lethargy and Busey was entertaining in his insanity.
Andretti, on the other hand, just might be the most charisma-free individual in the history of television. Again, I am sure he is a fine, upstanding man. Which is exactly why he had no business being here. Yes, son Marco was supposed to show up instead before a friend died in a crash just before filming, but producers should have just scrapped the Andretti family entirely at that point and signed up…I don’t know, say one of the guys from Right Said Fred instead. To his credit, Trump realized this, and after a three episode grace period, NO WAY was Andretti crossing the finish line of episode four. So when Project Manager Adam refused to bring anyone in the Boardroom after losing, Trump decided Oh, what the hell — I’ll just fire them both!
Personally, I would have been happier if he had just fired Andretti twice instead. I mean, how, as a professional driver, do you refuse to be Project Manager on a task dealing entirely with cars! That may just be the most bizarre thing I have ever seen on this show, and that includes Clint Black attempting to masturbate with Tide detergent. When they were first given the task to do a Buick presentation, Trump practically ordered Michael to be the PM. So what did Michael do? He immediately turned to the group and proclaimed, “I say Adam.” What?!? That’s like Lisa Lampanelli turning down a task on roasting, or Penn Jillette turning down a task on magic, or Lou Ferrigno turning down a task about reminding people about how much you have to offer while offering nothing whatsoever.
NEXT: I’m not done talking about how bad Michael Andretti was