“I can tell you the rules of chess, but I can’t tell you the rules of Celebrity Apprentice. That’s what’s beautiful about it.” – Penn Jillette
Yes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes! Never have truer words been spoken by any person on any subject in any era. In one quick stroke in his town car after being eliminated, Penn Jillette crystallized and summarized precisely what makes The Celebrity Apprentice the most wonderfully absurd and amazing television experience of our time. Some viewers may find themselves frustrated by the complete lack of consistency in terms of why Donald Trump fires anyone. One week Trump is firing someone because of a poor track record; another week he is firing someone solely because they did not perform in that single task. One week Trump is firing someone because they didn’t do enough; another week he is refusing to fire someone because they can’t be the one to blame since they didn’t do anything. One week Trump is firing someone because they won’t help the team going forward; another week he is saying that should have no bearing on the decision. People who look down on the show say it has no integrity. I say WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR INTEGRITY ON THE CELEBRITY FREAKING APPRENTICE?!?
So what if the show makes about as much sense as a Garth Brooks-gone-goth alter ego. That’s what makes it so genius. Half the fun in watching it, of course, is seeing Trump rationalize his reasoning for why he is firing someone due to performance when we all know he simply wants to keep the people that he feels make the best television. For those that don’t believe my point about his real motive for keeping people around, allow me to remind you: six people were fired before Gary Busey! And just look at this year: Lisa and Dayana are still around even though they have now lost 8 out of 11 projects. 8 out of 11!
So why can’t Penn figure out the rules to Celebrity Apprentice? Because. There. Are. No. Rules! And that is precisely the way we want it. The more ridiculous the better. Besides, would you rather play chess or watch Aubrey O’Day press her vagina next to Arsenio Hall’s neck? The answer to that question is revealed simply by the fact that you have already read this far. Now keep reading for my favorite moments from last night’s episode.
1. Hey, Let’s All Talk About Clay Aiken’s Testicles!
Frankly, I am stunned that I made it 400 words into this recap without mentioning Clay Aiken’s testicles. Not that I make it a habit of discussing such things at length, but if someone on this show is going to start comparing the size of his testicles to the size of someone else’s testicles, well, then how can I not discuss it? The “someone else’s” testicles in question were none other than Penn Jillette’s. When Trump announced to the teams that they would be creating a store display and slogan for The Donald’s new fragrance, Success, Penn said he didn’t want to be Project Manager because he knew not of such things (of course, that didn’t stop him from relentlessly suggesting how to do every single element of the task). So Clay took it on instead. Clay wisely brought this up in the Boardroom, telling Trump, “It’s surprising to think that I’m the one that has the bigger balls of the two of us.” Personally, I am a bit surprised they didn’t have a “Boardroom Ball-Off” right then and there to settle the dispute. For what it’s worth, my “biggest balls” money would have been on George Ross.
NEXT: Dayana wants to get naked…FINALLY!