“I’m here to learn from you. And I’m not done learning from you, and I don’t want to go home. I admire you and your family. You guys really are the first family of America.” —Kenya Moore to Donald Trump
She’s right, you know. The Trumps truly are America’s First Family. Or at least they should be. Can you imagine Trump America Inc.? It would be incredible. Everyone would have orange skin, Ivanka’s face would be on the $100 bill—sorry, Eric, you only get the $5—and all conversations would consist of people just boasting about their accomplishments and embellishing them to unprecedented levels without fear of reprisals because any and all fact-checkers would be locked up in a dungeon somewhere surviving only on Trump Water™. Sign me up for that paradise. Because in that paradise, episodes of Celebrity Apprentice run on a continuous loop… on all TV channels! Much like Hooters girls on a Sig Hansen party cruise, it is simply inescapable. Of course, in this lame-ass thing we call “reality” we only get two hours every Monday night, so let’s go ahead and recap those with the nine most awesome and absurd Celebrity Apprentice moments of the week.
1. The Love Boat
As soon as Trump announced that the first task would be to make a themed Circle Line party cruise, you couldn’t help but assume two things were going to happen: That Captain Sig Hansen would have to (finally) step up as Project Manager, and that Sig Hanson would lose the task. We’ve seen this happen time and time again when someone loses in his or her area of expertise, going back to season 2 when poker player Annie Duke wrote a catchier Chicken of the Sea jingle than professional musician Clint Black. (You can judge for yourself by clicking on the links above.)
Sig indeed did become PM, and then they settled on the theme of “Sexiest Catch.” Which makes absolute sense, because when people think sexy, they think Sig Hansen, Geraldo Rivera, and Kate Gosselin. But then Sig decided to sexify his boat even more by bringing in some ringers—specifically, Hooters waitresses. It was actually mildly frightening how excited Geraldo got when Sig brought up the possibility of bringing in the Hooters girls. In fact, in one of the most unfortunate phrases of our time, Geraldo proclaimed that, “We’d like to Hooters up this whole vessel!” Apparently, “Hootersing up this whole vessel” meant lots of tight camera shots on cleavage and butts while Sig nonsensically ran up to the female customers like a rabid dog barking, “So you like the eye candy? Is that all right? You like that?”
Aw, I shouldn’t dis the Hooters girls so much. After all, it did lead to this brilliant Q&A session between Geraldo and one of the artificially enhanced waitresses:
GERALDO: “What’s your favorite thing about working for Hooters?’
HOOTERS WAITRESS: “Uh, making people happy.”
GERALDO: “Ah, you’re making us happy. Why are you in such a sexy outfit?”
First off, “Why are you in such a sexy outfit?” is the most amazing follow-up question I have ever heard in my life. That’s 40 years of journalism that lead to that probing, hard-hitting follow-up, ladies and gentlemen. Also, how high exactly does the Creepy Meter go when a guy three times your age looks you up and down and says “You’re making us happy!”? Just wondering.
Also, I’m getting slightly off-topic here, but were you aware that Hooters has a “Hooters Girls Hall of Fame”? Not only that, but three-time Survivor contestant Jerri Matheny is a member of said Hall of Fame, with the website proclaiming that “this bombshell began her starlet career as a Hooters Girl in the early ‘90s. Jerri opened up the Hooters of Hunstville, AL in 1991 and later donned the Orange Shorts in Oklahoma City before moving on to pursue an acting career.” So, you know, clearly some important information I just gave you there. Oh, also, I feel it is imperative at this time to point out that the “Want to Be a Hooters Girl?” video has a snappy little jingle which instructs you to “Get on up, and get on down to Hooters,” which, if I am interpreting that correctly, is permission—nay, encouragement—to get an erection and then immediately visit one of their fine establishments.
2. The Brandi Glanville Line of the Night
“I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her and I can’t even pick that bitch up.” —Brandi on Kenya
3. Kenya Moore’s Singing Career (and we use that term loosely)
Over on the Infinity boat, Kenya Moore had a suggestion for the entertainment: “You know what? I can always sing my song if you want.” Hold on, Kenya Moore has a song? As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not a Real Housewives guy so this was news to me. Naturally I had to Google this, and really, really wish I hadn’t because it led me to one of the most disturbing and confusing music videos I have ever seen. The important thing is: YES! Kenya Moore has a song. It’s called “Gone With the Wind Fabulous,” and Kenya indeed performed it on a boat out on the Hudson River. An ingenious and diabolical move if ever there was one because it ensured everyone was trapped and could not escape. In essence, Kenya’s singing acts as the polar opposite of the Sirens in The Odyssey, whose voices are so irresistibly sweet they lead sailors to their doom—the only commonality being that when in close proximity to either Kenya or the Sirens, it is advisable to plug your ears with beeswax so nary a note makes it through.
But why talk about Kenya’s voice when we can talk about the lyrics instead? Let me hit you with some of the super-deep words which showcase both an emotional maturity and a thoughtful take on the complexities of modern society that frankly we weren’t sure Kenya was capable of expressing:
“Gone With the Wind” Fabulous verse #1
“You say I’m fake, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m old, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m ghetto, I say I’m fabulous
You say I’m crazy, I say I’m fabulous”
At this point I’m pretty sure whatever you “say” about Kenya Moore, I am relatively confident I can predict what her response will be. Unfortunately, the song is not over at that point. We then proceed to what I have to assume is the… chorus?
“Gone With the Wind” Fabulous chorus
“I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous
I’m gone with the wind fabulous”
Again, a bit on the repetitive side, but I guess the woman has a point she wants to really hammer home here. Oh, wait! Here comes the bridge:
“Gone With the Wind Fabulous” bridge
To be clear, she is not just twirling here. She is literally saying the word twirl as she is twirling, just in case there is any confusion as to what she is doing by spinning around in a circle. Evidently, all that twirling made her a tad dizzy because the next thing we knew, Kenya was writhing and grinding on the ship’s deck while mothers held hands over little girls’ eyes. I should have covered mine as well. AND YET I COULD NOT LOOK AWAY!
Congratulations, Kenya. You did the unthinkable and made Johnny Damon’s boy band seem like a totally rock solid musical option by comparison.
NEXT: Sig Loses His Cool (About Time!)