My poor wife. Because it is only during the airing of Celebrity Apprentice when it truly dawns on her that she married a pathetic mess of a man. Here are the types of interactions that happen in the Ross household during such an event:
WIFE: “Dalton, could you please help the kids with their homework?”
ME: “Not now, dear. I’ve got more important stuff to deal with. Ian Ziering is talking about a pole dancing essay he’s about to write, so…”
WIFE: “Honey, you promised me you’d take care of those dinner dishes.”
ME: “Yeah, no, I hear you, but I think Geraldo Rivera is simulating anal sex with Johnny Damon so just give me a minute here.”
WIFE “Um, do you want to say goodnight to your children before I tuck them in?”
ME: “What? Ugh! For crissakes, woman—I was busy counting all the pairs of gold scissors on phony baloney receptionist Amanda’s desk. Now I totally have to start over. THANKS A LOT!!!”
Needless to say, my spouse is not thrilled by my viewing habits. But I can’t help it because my fascination knows no bounds when it comes to this program. And it is the only show on television where I truly cannot believe what I am seeing. And the most unbelievable thing this week came from the lips of Donald J. Trump himself. It happened during this whole mess where losing Project Manager Jamie Anderson was talking about how she did not bring Brandi Glanville back into the Boardroom with her and Kenya Moore because she thought Trump liked the drama of two Real Housewives arguing and therefore would not fire either of them, leaving her to be let go instead. And then Trump said this:
“I have to tell you it’s not about what you just said. If it were, maybe I wouldn’t have fired Kevin, who has millions and millions of fans and followers. And I could have fired someone else and it would have been probably more popular, but I would have had no credibility. It’s not the way it works.”
Okay, but here’s the thing. IT’S EXACTLY THE WAY IT WORKS!!!!! Trump practically begged Kevin to bring Lorenzo Lamas back into the Boardroom last week precisely so he wouldn’t have to fire Kevin. But he didn’t, so the big guy had no choice. Nine times out of 10, tomfoolery trumps talent on this show. How else to explain Trump firing six different folks before Gary Busey in that madman’s first season. Busey is perhaps the most incompetent Celebrity Apprentice contestant ever, yet he outlasted perfectly sane people like Mark McGrath for one sole reason—Trump thought he made good TV.
It sounds like I am complaining about this, but au contraire mon frère! The charade that performance is the most important factor in advancing on this show is just one of its unique quirks and charms. I loooooove watching Trump go out of his way to fire someone who has no business of being fired so he can keep someone he deems as more famous or more entertaining instead. The whole process is intoxicating. So for Trump to now sit there and say that such high jinks never take place because he “would have had no credibility whatsoever,” is perhaps the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard on this program. Meaning, I loved it. And here are the eight other things I loved or loathed about this latest double-episode extravaganza.
1. A Period in Time
It was not a fever dream. We all did, in fact, see Vivica Fox and Donald Trump carry on an extended conversation about Shawn Johnson’s menstrual cycle last week. Needless to say, Shawn was less than enthused about that development, and she let Vivica know about it at the start of tonight’s broadcast. “The fact that you mentioned that on national television—so embarrassing,” Shawn said to her new self-appointed gynecologist. “It’s like me mentioning that you’re going through menopause.” Oh. No. She. Didn’t.
Okay, so now we know that Shawn Johnson is on her period and Vivica Fox may or may not be experiencing hot flashes. Celebrity Apprentice—never too much information.
2. Yet Another Magazine Editor Steals My Thunder
I cannot tell you how infuriating it is for me to see other magazine editors getting airtime on my favorite show. If I’m being completely honest here, it feels like a violation. A betrayal. A slap in the face. How dare Cosmopolitan Senior Editor Liz Plosser get to go passing out projects willy-nilly while I sit sucking down Cool Ranch Doritos and Milwaukee’s Best on my couch. DAMN YOU, PLOSSER! I mean, the woman doesn’t even work at Cosmopolitan magazine even more! She now works at Self. (Not like I did creepy internet and social media stalking to find that out or anything.)
The point is, as gorgeous and photogenic and media-trained as this Plosser broad appears to be, it should be me up there on the screen! Why can’t I stand next to The Donald while he dishes out the latest project and say stupid stuff like “Actually, Mr. Trump, Entertainment Weekly would like to match that with another $20,000.” (Although I noticed Cosmo did not go for the usual corporate match this time—cheapskates.) Why can’t I sit there at a presentation and fake chuckle when a celebrity Project Manager makes a lame joke? Why can’t I get close enough to ask Geraldo to try on his bizarre rose-tinted glasses? Dammit. Life sucks.
3. Let’s Learn All About Ian Ziering’s Sex Life
So the first task was to develop a four-page fitness editorial. To some that might mean focusing on a crisp and clear design or an online editorial brand extension. For Ian Ziering, it meant sex tips and pole dancing! The part-time Chippendale remarked about all the “nude suggestive poses” in Cosmo and remarked that “I have to have my wife read this stuff because it kind of bridges the gap between what I’m a little uncomfortable saying and what she needs to know.” As if Ian Ziering talking about new sex tricks with his wife was not uncomfortable enough, he also insisted on repeatedly making a slapping motion with his hand, which was just unfortunate on pretty much every level. But he wasn’t done.
That’s because Ian’s big contribution to the editorial was a “pole dancing essay.” First Ian talked about his wife taking a pole dancing exercise class, because of course she does. And so I can only assume his “essay” was on the merits of pole dancing… I guess? Pretty heavy stuff. Unfortunately, the camera did not go tight enough on the actual text in the essay so you could read it, but I can only assume it went a little something like this.
“Hey, ladies. I know what you’re thinking: What could that guy with the mullet-fro from Beverly Hills 90210 possibly know about pole dancing? Well, let me tell you, I was known to ride a few poles in my day. Wait, that totally came out wrong. Can I start over? How do I get rid of that? WHERE’S THE DAMN DELETE BUTTON ON THIS THING?! AND WHY AM I TYPING OUT MY THOUGHTS?!”
NEXT: Kenya gets rear-ended