So remember how last week we all met Shae, who seemed like an extremely intelligent young lady? Remember how she disappeared from the show almost immediately, as if she realized that was happening on Buckwild would probably negatively impact her political career someday? Well, this week, during the full cast-of-characters credits sequence, she introduced herself officially with a catchphrase-as-persona: “I think of myself as one of the guys… just a lot sexier.” Or, roughly translated from Reality TV talk: “I have serious self-esteem issues.” (Admittedly, almost everything people say on Reality TV could be translated as “I have serious self-esteem issues” and/or fart noises.) Immediately we were thrown into a Shae-centric melodrama which I have decided to title:
The Tale of Jesse J., The World’s Most Perfect Boyfriend Ever
She’s dating a guy. There were signs that this guy was maybe not going to win Boyfriend of the Year trophies. Bad Sign #1: His name is Jesse J., which is uncomfortably homophonic for that English singer nobody in America likes. Bad Sign #2: When asked why she was attracted to him, Shae could only offer “He’s a good dad,” before noting “I don’t have anywhere else to live.” Bad Sign #3: He allegedly propositioned two of her friends, one of whom was unconscious. Bad Sign #4: He apparently has a history of sexting with other women. Bad Sign #5: Shain doesn’t like him because he’s, quote, “Real cocky,” and I think we can all agree that Shain has the incredible ability to look into a man’s eyes and see his soul. Bad Sign #6: One of the first things Jesse J. did on the show was take a gallon of Green Slime out of a beer bong.
We will never really know the truth about what happened the night that Jesse invited Salwa and Ashley over to his house for an afterparty. Here’s what we do know: Salwa and Ashley were passed out on various couches in Jesse’s den. According to Salwa, Jesse left the snoozing Shae in his room and tried to wake up Ashley. When she proved immobile, he walked over to Salwa, held up his cell phone, and showed her a message: “Meet Me In The Bathroom.” Salwa opted out. The next day, the ladies all got together. “Question: Have you ever thought that Jesse would, like, cheat on you?” asked Ashley. Subtle.
Shae confronted Jesse about Salwa’s accusations. Jesse argued, “Your friends have their opinions, and then they think they run you.” Shae nodded. That was a really good point, Jesse! “Also, Ashley said I went and [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on her in July when we first met.” Shae nodded. Yeah, Ashley did mention that this skeezeball [EXPLETIVE DELETED] on her. Why would she say that, when everyone could clearly see that Jesse was a kindhearted man, a great humanitarian, indeed, the last great American man in our cold dead nation? “It’s not fair to me! I’m gonna confront them face-to-face!” concluded Jesse. “How dare these girls I tried to have sex with tell you, my trusting girlfriend, that I tried to have sex with them!”
Shae nodded and nodded and nodded some more. She was like a detective who was getting to the bottom of a mystery, except there was no mystery and she was the world’s worst detective. The next day, at what looked like an over-21 version of Chuck E. Cheese’s, the ladies had a big evening out. Jesse J. suddenly appeared. “I have assembled you all here, because I have solved The Mystery of the Bad Boyfriend,” said Shae. “It turns out that he’s a great boyfriend who is perfect, and you’re a bad friend, Salwa.” Salwa couldn’t believe what she was hearing. But Jesse J. had irrefutable proof. “Why would I wake you up and try to have sex with you, when Shae was right here?” asked Jesse. “And I’m such a light sleeper!” said Shae. Consider this case Closed.