The gang was just hanging out at the local cafe: Tyler and Shain and Ashley and Salwa. Tyler and Shain ate with their mouths open. Salwa parked her breasts on the table. A curious opportunity was coming to Sissonville, West Virginia. There would be a Riding of the Bulls. “I’ve always dreamed of riding the bulls,” said Ashley. “You should just stick to ridin’ cowboys,” said Shain. If there were any justice in this cruel world, Big and Rich would have punched through the wall at that moment, and the whole cast of Buckwild would have joined them in an hourlong rendition of “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).”
So the activity for the week was decided: Everyone would ride the bull. Naturally, this led Cara, Katie, and Tyler on a horse-riding expedition, for this is exactly the sort of average thing that typical young people do in their spare time. Tyler checked out Katie’s butt, and Katie checked out Tyler’s butt, and Cara rode a stallion with all the subtle grace of a turtle on roller skates. “I thought it was gonna be just you and me, not Cara,” said Tyler. “Ravish me,” begged Katie. “Nah,” responded Tyler.
Meanwhile, back at the Girls’ House, Shae had a suggestion to the universe. “Let’s fill my air mattress with water,” she said. “It will be just like a water-bed.” But lo, the age-old question: How to get water into the air-mattress? “We could wait for it to rain and catch the rain in a bathtub!” suggested Anna. But everyone agreed that would take too long. Instead, they threw the air-mattress into the creek, and watched the creek carry it away. When that failed, they held the mattress under a window, and Ashley threw water onto Shae and Anna’s faces. “This isn’t working for some reason,” concluded Shae. It was the best Tuesday ever.
The boys rigged up a fake bull in order to practice for the big bull day. The fake bull was really just a blue barrel rigged up like a tetherball, which is still more impressive than anything you’ve ever built in your life, probably, except for that Eagle Scout project — which, let’s be honest, your uncle mostly built for you while you played Goldeneye with your friends. Twenty dollars was offered to whoever could stay on the longest. Predictably, Salwa won. If there is one thing clear about Buckwild, it’s that Salwa is perfect at anything. And yet, not in the opening credits. Possibly because she has a boyfriend, Najee, and seems devoted to him to such an extent that she probably won’t hook up with Joey or Tyler, therefore making her a bad reality-show character but a good human being.
The day of the Great Bull-Riding was here! They split up, Boys vs. Girls; whoever won had to cook dinner for the other team, in their underwear. Shain threatened to wear a man-thong. He lasted a few seconds. The bull threw him off, and rammed its horns straight into Shain’s head, and he laughed and laughed. Joey lasted a little longer. Najee lasted a full 7 seconds, proving that — like Salwa — he is pretty much perfect at everything. The bull flipped Ashley end over end; Katie backed out, and Tyler told her, “I’d hate to see somethin’ happen to your pretty face”; Cara was thrown after less than a second. So the girls served the men supper in expensive-looking lingerie, therefore further confusing the whole universe of Buckwild. (It almost seems like MTV found average middle-class kids, then told their costume designer, “Make them look middle-class, but like middle-class characters on a ’90s NBC sitcom about New York City. You know, Friends.”)
NEXT: Joey and Shae’s big date