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'Brooklyn Nine-Nine' finale: The 19 best lines from 'Greg and Larry'

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John P. Fleenor/FOX

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
tvpgr:
TV-14
seasons:
3
run date:
09/17/13
performer:
Andy Samberg, Andre Braugher
broadcaster:
Fox
genre:
Comedy, Crime

And so we end this season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine like we began: With Holt being kept away from his precious precinct. At the end of season 2, his nemesis, Madeline Wuntch, “promoted” him to a job in PR, where he toiled for a few episodes before returning to the Nine-Nine early this season. This time, they stuck the good captain — along with Jake — where the sun does shine: In Coral Palms, Fla. In the witness protection program. Now we’ve got so many questions, like “How long will they be there?” and “Who’s with them in Florida?” and “How annoying of a neighbor is Jake to Holt?”

With an entertaining sweep of serialized episodes to finish up the season — juiced with a cliffhanger in the tradition of past Brooklyn season finales — the cop comedy has proved that it can succeed in unspooling bigger stories. Or should we say: Is proving. Because the story line involving Jimmy “the Butcher” Figgis (and his FBI connections) trying to murder Detective Pimento is clearly spilling into next season. Bolstered by the return of corrupt agent and Holt clone Bob Anderson (excuse me, Bob Annnderson), “Greg and Larry” was a winning finale, humming right along with a string of jokes that not only plumbed the robotic, stoic anti-chemistry of Holt and Bob (see: many of the quotes below), but also brought the whole squad together and spread the laughs around, right down to Hitchcock, who helped Jake by sampling the chocolate and nope-that’s-not-chocolate smears on the hospital walls. Throw in a few fun revelations (Rosa’s apartment is beautifully appointed? Rosa’s name isn’t Rosa?) and silly side avenues (Charles’ belief in the healing power of 27 Dresses; Amy’s inspirational goodbye to the inmates minus the Nazi; the straightjacket hospital escape; the interrogation montage), and it all added up to super season send-off.

I’m hopeful that we haven’t seen the last of Dennis Haysbert’s Bob, who is likely off to witness protection, too, if not prison; his dry, literal, and literary energy paired perfectly with Holt’s and elevated these last two episodes (while throwing viewers off the scent that he was the bad apple in the FBI). It worked in the way that pairing Frasier with an equally, if not more, erudite foil in Niles, rather than a fratty manchild, opened up a whole different set of jokes. My only quibble with Bob is that, while I bought into the idea of a Holt clone from the start, I wasn’t as sold on the reason for his turn to the dark side. He comes from the same strong, silent service-type stock as Holt, so working on a Mexican drug cartel case for 14 years yet getting only a commendation with his name misspelled would be a huge bummer, but it doesn’t seem that it would transform an individual like that into a murderous bad guy. That said, the pair’s “Was it worth it?” exchange involving whale meat right after that conversation made right up for it. (See: No. 2 below.) And speaking of small moments, the fleeting frustrated-with-himself look that Holt issues after he calls Jake “son” and father-figure-seeking Jake excitedly telling him there are no takebacks, is worth a rewatch or three.

Before we ponder the flurry of questions rattling around our brains this summer (Is Amy with Jake in witness protection? Is Kevin with Holt? Who will be cast as Figgis? When will Adrian re-emerge? What the hell is Rosa’s real name?), let’s make a pot of basmati rice, take off our V-necks, stay innocent, eat our disgusting candy bars, give Kevin our regards, zipline out of here like an American Ninja, ruin jazz forever, call Venus, retire to our lake houses, try not to spiral, dress up like babies, and re-live the nine best lines of “Greg and Larry.” Actually, you know what? There were so many good ones, let’s try for 19. (And for more on the Brooklyn Nine-Nine finale, read our postmortem Q&A with exec producer Dan Goor here.)

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19. “I have nothing to live for, and I drive like it.” —Hitchcock, who offers to give his fellow Nine-Nine detectives a ride

18. “I think you’d love Florida, Bob. I’ve never actually been there, but Pitbull’s videos make it seem muy caliente.” —Jake, trying to persuade Bob to cooperate with the police by offering witness protection

17. “The cancer has spread. Get your house in order.” —Holt as a child, playing doctor with his teddy bear

16. “What if something happens to Jake and he never gets to meet my baby? I don’t want to hang out with some stupid baby who’s never met Jake.” —Charles to Amy after she worries that she’ll never see him again and get to say “I love you so much

15. “I should have known Agent Whealon was dirty. There were signs. He wore a V-neck once.” —Bob to Holt

NEXT: “Was it worth it?”

[pagebreak]

14. “Not going to happen. I rent it out under a shell corporation, I mailed them to a P.O. box in Queens, my neighbors think my name is Emily Goldfinch, people I work with all think my name is Rosa Diaz… [to Jake] Don’t worry about it.” —Rosa to Bob, who warns that Figgis’ men will find her place

13. “The whole thing was based on you having kids! Now all of this is going to be hypothetical!” —Terry to Bob during the interrogation after Bob says he doesn’t have any kids

12. “Okay, vest lady! I don’t care what you have to do — [agent says “Oh, you sweet thing! You’re pregnant!”Sooooo pregnant! What a miracle, right? Please give me special treatment.” —Amy to the gate agent (Related runner-up: “Holt’s in danger, and that lady’s in my way. Never get between a teacher’s pet and her teacher.” —Amy to Charles, who wasn’t able to talk the gate agent into getting them seats on the plane )

11. “All right, mister, here are five stories about my cousin and her alleged Lyme disease… [Bob interjects, “How is that going to make me talk?”]… Not everything is about you, Bob. I just needed to vent. God, you’re such a Leanne.” —Gina, trying to break Bob during the interrogation montage

10. “Excuse me, ma’am. We’re going to need a box of tissues and some cozy blankets. Oh, one more thing: Y’all got sundaes? —Charles to the flight attendant after telling Amy that things were about to get real as she shared her feelings

9. “I don’t know, the library? Or an index card factory? Is there such thing as an accounting museum?” —Jake to Terry after he wonders where Bob might have taken Holt

8. “Yeah, it was fun. I moved the next day.” —Rosa after saying that no one knows where she lives and Terry responding, “I thought you had Amy over your apartment once”

7. “Regards.” —Holt to Bob after Bob says, “What shall I tell him?” in response to Holt saying, “When I die, please give Kevin my regards.”

6. “This. This is why I became a cop.” —Scully after Jake says that all they have to do to find Holt is follow the trail of chocolate (Related runner-up: “Oh my God, why would you touch a hospital thing and then put it in your mouth? —Jake to Hitchcock)

5. “Wow. Betraying the FBI is one thing, but sarcasm, Bob? Wow.” —Holt to Bob after Terry says they should call in for backup and Bob notes that Figgis has people in the NYPD and FBI, so “good luck with that” 

4. “All right, look. A bunch of sketchy black SUVs just pulled up outside. Either it’s Figgis’ guys or Beyoncé stubbed her toe.” —Jake, to which Gina responded: “Don’t even joke about that, Jake. That would be our new No. 1 priority.”

3. This exchange: 

Bob: “Chocolate is the devil’s carob.”

Holt: “And carob is Satan’s raisin.”

2. And this exchange after Bob talked about why he became corrupt: 

Holt: “Was it worth it?”

Bob: “Of course. I made millions. I traveled the world. I’ve eaten whale.”

Holt: “I always assumed whale would be too fatty.”

Bob: “Well, I didn’t have to assume. I know for a fact it is. It’s disgusting. I threw up.”

1. “It’s genius. There’s a red-tailed hawk roost a block away and I’ve got a pair of microbinoculars in my pocket…like a fool!” —Holt to Jake after Jake said Bob’s plan to throw Raymond off the roof and make it look like a birdwatching accident was ridiculous

0. As in: “Zero rehearsal.” —Jake, mic-dropping to Bob after he and Holt crushed “Funky Cold Medina”

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