Ah, Capt. Raymond Holt. So stoic, so steadfast. So literal, so logical. So monotone, so monolithic. His favorite color is tan because it is “no-nonsense.” He calls his mother “Your honor.” And he prefers to obtain sustenance via “nutrition bricks.” No one else quite like him, right?
Meet Bob Anderson. In Tuesday night’s episode, which featured one of the funniest plots of this increasingly serialized season, Holt called in his old colleague from the FBI (played by 24 alum Dennis Haysbert) to help flush out the dirty FBI agent who was in cahoots with Jimmy “the Butcher” Figgis. Suddenly we were seeing double, and our pleasure was increased by a similar amount. From the first sighting of the pair in flashback — which showed them dispassionately bonding over their disinterest in small talk (see No. 6 below) — to their by-the-unabridged-book approach of the tiniest of details (see No. 7), this was a match made in Holt heaven. It was hella fun down to the revelation in the final seconds that Bob isn’t the straight-and-narrow lover of the law that Holt is: Bob had actually run a long con in which he led Holt, Jake, and Rosa to half of the guilty party, Agent Ryan Whealon, and covered up his own involvement with some crafty file-switching during their heist. (Rosa managed to squeeze out a tear last week; this week she squeezed into some really uncomfortable spaces.)
Watching Jake hand a piece of lint to Holt and Bob to represent their roles in a blueprint run-through of their FBI break-in — and the two of them academically narrating their identifying elements — was pure, dry comedic goodness. (Bob: “My lint is round. My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter. My lint is blue.” Holt: “My lint is oblong. My lint is approximately a half-centimeter in length. My lint is also blue”) As was the back-and-forth on the line “Let’s break into the FBI.” And seeing Holt take a crash course on Sex and the City and then distract the guard outside the archives room — see No.1 — was a joy that kept on giving.
What’s that? The other story lines? Ah, yes. Back behind bars, the prison operation continued as Charles and Amy worked Figgis’ sister, Maura, the triple-murderer who had knowledge of her brother’s criminal operation. In a twist more shocking than the Bob-is-bad reveal, Maura became smitten with Charles (or at least the great Hebrew hoax version of him); she was convinced that he was the one good guy with whom she could break her streak of bad luck with bad men. He would be forced to double down on his undercover gig — curse his perfect butt! — by allowing her to romance him. Soon enough, though, she “busted” him as yet another cheater when she heard the excited cell call from Genevieve that their adoption had gone through. (Sounds like we have a fun outside-the-precinct story line percolating for him in season 4.) Luckily, Amy leveraged Maura’s heartbreak into a bonding opportunity that yielded not only the one dirty FBI agent, but Bob as well, leading us to that ripped-from-a-big-screen-thriller moment in which Amy called Jake to tell him the good news a moment too late: By the time Jake frantically dialed Holt, his captain was being held at gunpoint by Bob. (“Oh, Bob,” uttered Raymond, packing what is clearly a lot of hurt and betrayal into an economy of words.)
And in our second side story, Terry, with Gina in tow, tried to hunt down a suspected leak in the Nine-Nine after the precinct’s arrest numbers hit the press a month before they were supposed to. After suspecting and accusing several people, including Gina — who was wounded by Terry’s intimation that she didn’t take her job seriously — Terry was served a piece of humble pie (and paid for an apology cake pre-ordered by Gina). She realized that he was to blame; a silly selfie that he tweeted contained said sensitive info in the back of the photo. While the plot contained a few chuckles, it felt odd to have Terry not be part of the larger story line(s) here; I’m guessing he’ll play a more critical role in the finale.
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And now it is time to say a prayer for Amy’s dead fish, stomp some groins, pull out a tooth and throw it in someone’s eye, rifle through last month’s issue of Clown Boobies, ask ourselves, “Are we sluts?,” give props to Coolest Guy Ever Alan Greenspan, live that #yogurtlife, and recap the best lines of “The Bureau.”
9. “It could be because you’re in prison for murder.” —Amy to Maura when she says, “Why can’t I find a good man?”
8. “No, I get all my news from a text message chain with my friends. [Shocked gasp while looking at phone] The attorney general might step down. I’m kidding; it’s a GIF of a rabbit eating spaghetti.” —Gina to Terry after he asks her if she has read this morning’s paper
7. “It’s either a nectarine or a peach. Just write ‘Unknown stone fruit.'” —Bob after Jake said he hated that they were just sitting there while their suspect was eating a peach and Holt said it was a nectarine
6. “I’d rather not.” “Agreed.” —Bob’s response and Holt’s affirmation after he once asked him on a stakeout, “We’re going to be awhile. Would you like to talk?” (Tied with this other Holt-Bob one-two punch: “Why not? I really have embraced my wild side today.” “As have I. Chocolate and nuts. Actually, that’s overkill.” —Bob’s response after reading a candy bar wrapper and Holt’s seconding of that notion while reading the wrapper)
5. “Oh, Terry, sarcasm is not a good look on you. But you know what would be? A really tight Henley.” —Gina to Terry after she asks him if he found the leak and he retorts, “Yes, I’m hiding behind a coffee maker, spying on everyone in the office because I found the leak.” (Honorable mention Gina-Terry leak joke: “What makes you so sure that there’s a leak? It might have just been that the reporter was really good at his job, like that hot blond surfer was at TMZ.” —Gina to Terry)
4. “Look at this, he quashed all FBI and NYPD operations relating to Figgis. Drug running, kidnapping, murder. Those are the best crimes! Why would you quash them?” —Jake to Holt, Bob, and Rosa as they reviewed the files pertaining to Agent Whealon
3. “I would have contacted him sooner, but this is a rogue op, and he’s a real stickler for the rules. He once picked up a penny on the street which he then reported on his taxes.” —Holt about Bob
2. “We are, but it’s not going well. The doctor said my sterility is so aggressive it may have spread to her.” —Charles to Amy after she thought they were doing fertility treatments to have a kid (Honorable Charles mention, this one about his sexual potency, in conversation with Amy: “I should have known more Maura wouldn’t be able to control herself. Strong women, they’re just drawn to me. They’re all right angles, and I’m nothing but curves.”)
1. “Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.” —Holt after he says he will distract the guard with conversation and Bob notes that the guard watches a lot of TV, including Sex and the City (Honorable mentions involving Holt and SATC: “Quite a big package you’ve got there. Oh, I apologize for the double entendre. I can be such a Samantha” and “If you ask me, they never should have made the movie. Abu Dhabi? Abu don’t bother.”)