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The Biggest Loser recap: Medieval Torture

The contestants arrive at the ranch, where scary sandwiches, colorful hoodies, and brutal workouts await

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Biggest Loser Bob
Trae Patton/NBC

The Biggest Loser

TV Show
Current Status:
Bob Harper
Reality TV

Hooray, the contestants are finally on the ranch. Alison welcomes them. Look at all the colors! But for right now, the colors mean nothing. It’s an individual competition. You don’t like wearing a bright orange shirt? That’s just too bad. You’re the one who wanted to come to camp.

We find out that Bob and Jillian each got the chance to save one of the seven people who didn’t make the cut in the nationwide search for potential Losers. Bob picked 29-year-old graphic designer Aaron, because Aaron’s son London deserves a chance, too. Jillian picked Elizabeth because she pushed her body so hard during Boston’s 500-step challenge that she actually fainted.

To spice things up a little in this recap, I’ll keep an eye out for my favorite elements of the series and dutifully record them: 1) Classic lines of brutal honesty from the Jillian Michaels World of Pain and 2) Occasions on which The Biggest Loser makes me cry. Place your bets: Will the tally reach double digits this week? Here we go!

That’s So Jillian: “When I ask people to either faint, puke, die, or keep walking — you did what I asked.”

Cry Count: 1 Brendan and Frado’s reunion with Elizabeth. All Frado has to do is hug her and my composure is gone.

First workout. This is their wakeup call. This is where they discover what rock bottom feels like. Tina wipes out on the treadmill, but this time it’s not Jillian there to strike her firmly across the face, but two other medical-type trainers. She’s back up! Perfect! After about a half hour, Rick plops onto a bench and spends the remainder of the day canoodling with his inhaler. Lisa weeps as she lowers herself into sloppy pushups. Lisa: “I’ve had two kids, and natural childbirth doesn’t even hold a candle to today’s workout.”

Cry Count: 2 Bob’s heart-to-heart with Patrick about how he got to be 27 years old and 400 pounds. “Okay, let’s go. It’s time to make your sons proud.” I think my tear first springs out when Patrick says his kids’ names. Their names!

Bob is already starting out really strong in my favorite area of his expertise: One-on-one heart-to-hearts that make him seem like a 98 percent benevolent/1 percent sinister/1 percent flirtatious cult leader. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bob. The 1-percent flirtatious flicker in his eyes is what makes him so genius to me. Maybe next week I’ll illustrate this recap with some more screengrabs so you can get the full extent of his facial intensity. Anyway, Bob does the same thing to Elizabeth, staring her down with his dreamy bedroom eyes. “It’s time to start taking care of Elizabeth now, isn’t it? Yeah baby. Got your breath back now. You’re in the right place.” [Knife-sharpening sound effect!] These are the Biggest Loser moments I live for.

That’s So Jillian: “Don’t roll your eyes at me girl, I will ruin your life in this place. I will knock that s— right off your shoulder.” –Jillian to Sophia

NEXT: Sandwiches of death!