The first elimination always makes people crazy! Right away on last night’s Biggest Loser, we learned that two people wanted to go home. Lisa lives near last week’s eliminated loser Allie in real, non-ranch life, so she wanted to go help her drop weight in that alternate dimension. Grandma Tina had taken $16,000 from her 401K so that she could go on vacation with her family. That’s sweet for her and her family, but don’t tell the other contestants that! Just say “I’m ready to go home.” You know what’s on vacation, Tina? BUFFETS.
The entire two-hour episode felt unnecessary after Tina’s announcement, because it was so clear she’d be hitting the eject button. But the show must go on. Bob took the contestants through a major circuit workout, and it was brutal. Frado was loud, Brendan was slow, someone barfed in the corner, everyone moaned, and Bob told Patrick “I’m gonna break your legs and beat you with them.” Just another day. Then Bob freaked out because Jesse, a.k.a. “Funny Man,” lashed out at Bob: ‘I DON’T HAVE S— TO SAY TO YOU RIGHT NOW.” Bob felt disrespected by Jesse and made everyone run another circuit. Whatever, Bob. Start acting as tough as your tattoos!
Anna Kournikova showed up in a hot pink dress, hot to trot. Burgandy claimed her heart was “literally pounding out of my chest,” and this seems to be a theme this season. Everyone’s organs are eternally on the verge of literally exploding. Leave the prognoses to Dr. Ranch Dressing, Burgandy. Anyway, the guys obviously drooled over Anna. “She was slamming hot. She could have taught us calligraphy,” claimed Jesse. I’m pretty sure most people would rather take calligraphy from Anna Kournikova than sweat it out on a tennis court while Alison Sweeney hangs out in a sun hat.
The best part of this segment was the confluence of a voiceover of Brendan saying the tennis lesson was “more fun than sitting on the treadmill working out” and a visual of Anna Kournikova doing a deep squat. The worst was when Brendan wouldn’t release her from his meaty hug. Let go, buddy! It’s okay. You have an alliance now.
Immunity challenge! This one was very Survivor: Each player had a cylinder and the other players had to drop tennis balls in their enemies’ cylinders until they brimmed over with neon-green resentment. Everyone piled balls into Tina’s cylinder (sounds dirty, sorry) so she was the first to go. Then Burgandy, who reasoned that “everyone took me out because I’m the fastest.” She’s delusional. Mark compared climbing the bleachers to hiking in the Sahara Desert. Foreshadowing for the sand-dune elimination challenge, perhaps?
In the end, Patrick, Brendan, and Frado were fighting for immunity, and Adam was onto them: “They seem to have some sort of agreement.” That they do: In the next scene, those three half-heartedly fist-pumped on an official alliance. They’re like the “Pride on 3” from season 3. Frado won. The next day was the weigh-in. SURPRISE.
Jesse looked naked during his confessional, maybe because he…was naked.
NEXT: Who’s the man? Let’s ask Jillian.