Sing it with me, fellow fans of The Biggest Loser: Last night’s episode was all about ch-ch-changes. We saw changes in attitude, changes to the cast, and changes to our trainers’ wardrobes. (Did Bob and Jillian go on a shopping spree to Wilsons Leather?)
But it certainly didn’t seem that way at the outset of the episode. After Migdalia was sent home last week, Miggy began talking about how she felt convinced that the contestants would disrespect her wishes and send her home. (That’s our Miggy! Cue: sadtrombone.com!) Then we saw the requisite tears: Miggy began to cry while talking about her daughter’s elimination. So this is just like any other episode, right?
But then — wham! All of a sudden, Biggest Loser turned into the fastest, most confusing episode of 24 I have ever seen. A digital ticking clock appeared on the screen, flashing the time: 2:51 am. A voiceover seemed to indicate that an EMT was called to the scene of the ranch. The cameras flipped their switches to Ghost Hunters-esque night vision. We saw several contestants wearing what looked like gas masks. WHAT IS GOING ON?! Anthrax at the ranch? Apocalypse? Jack Bauer, where are you?!
And then, just as quickly as the madness began, it was over. The sun was rising, our contestants looked happy and healthy, and Ali was waiting to tell them the theme of this week’s episode. I don’t know about you, friends, but for a second, I thought my water was laced with LSD and I had just experienced a bad trip. (That would certainly explain the square-dancing lemurs that flew across my TV screen. Wait – you’re telling me that didn’t happen?) But Ali quickly cleared everything up for us: Turns out Miggy was sent to the hospital in the middle of the night because of stomach pain. I was all prepared to blame Curtis Stone — they were being awful vague about this ”stomach ailment,” after all — but there was no time for conspiracy theories. Instead, Ali moved on to her next piece of news: Our host informed the contestants that they have been on the ranch for exactly one month. This, of course, meant: (1) Daris’ hair has officially become more reminiscent of Sideshow Bob than Sideshow Cecil, and (2) The blue and yellow teams would be returning to the ranch to find out whether or not their at-home weight loss qualifies them to remain in the competition.
And boy, did both the teams look good! I honestly had no idea which team had the upper hand, since Vicky and O’Neal looked visibly smaller since we last saw them on the ranch. Plus, they would get the opportunity to shrink themselves even further: Vicky, Cherita, Sunshine, and O’Neal were surprised to discover that they would participate in a last-chance workout before their weigh-ins. And Jillian and Bob wanted to make sure they knew exactly what they were up to; our two trainers yelled ”Last-chance workout!” about as many times as Flavor Flav shouts his own name in the course of one day. Have these two copyrighted the phrase? Do they get five cents every time it’s uttered on national television? Really, Jill and Bob should start to think about replacing the phrase with repetitions of the Quadratic Formula or something. That way, our contestants get smaller and smarter.
Onto the weigh-in! Ali announced that whoever won the weigh-in would be granted two weeks immunity, and the only vote at this week’s elimination. So how did it all go down? Let’s see:
Blue team: Cherita: -24 pounds. Vicky: -39 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 9.92
Yellow team: Sunshine: -25 pounds. O’Neal: -51 pounds. Percentage weight loss: 11.45
Tell me, fellow Biggest Loser fans, was I the only person who dropped a ”holy s—!” seeing these results? Think about it: Yes, the teams had access to the trainers’ voiceboxes while they were working out at home, but they only got, oh, maybe five minutes of face-to-face time with Bob and Jillian. And in that short period of time, it seems they were able to soak up everything they needed to know about diet and weight loss. Impressive, considering I can’t even figure out how to play Yahtzee in five minutes.
NEXT: Michael went to an 80s frame of mind