I’ve lived some bad weeks in my day, fellow Biggest Loser fans. I’ve scored a big fat C on a test the same week my crush spurned me and my parents grounded me. I’ve dropped boiling water on myself and had to go to the ER the same week that I got piled with time-consuming administrative work. And I’ve mistaken a hunk of butter for cheese the same week my DVR neglected to record Cats 101.
But, I’ve never, ever, had a week that went as badly as O’Neal’s this week. I’ll admit that I was hard on the yellow team members last week, when I found their histrionics a bit over-the-top and annoying. (And that came after weeks of being decidedly pro-Team Yellow.) And just as I was about to write them off for good this week, O’Neal had to experience so much misfortune, I couldn’t help but side with him. I mean, just look at what he went through: The guy injured his bad knee during a demanding challenge, then had to cope with learning that his older brother had succumbed to cancer. Then his daughter had to flirt with the possibility of elimination. What did the Gods have against the guy this week? O’Neal was one slip on a banana peel away from really having the worst week ever.
Things started on a happy note, though. For Sam, at least. Perhaps the grey team member is a secret fan of Days of Our Lives, because he was quite pumped to see Ali, even though you know the host was there to bring trouble. (Either that, or he looks forward to seeing her wardrobe monstrosities as much as we do.) Really, seeing Ali on the Biggest Loser ranch is kind of like seeing David Hasselhoff at an In-N-Out burger: You know things are about to go downhill fast. And speaking of burgers, Ali was there to tell the contestants that they would be participating in a temptation. For an entire day, they would have to eat all of their dinners in one room, which contained a smorgasbord of food both healthy — string cheese, fruits and veggies, etc. — and unhealthy — bacon, chocolate-chip cookies, etc. Really, I don’t know how the majority of the contestants contained themselves. Did anyone else want to make like Templeton the Rat and just roll around in that buffet?
Anyway, the person who consumed the most calories would be allowed to cast the only vote at elimination. And Koli was just about the only one that was up for the challenge, since he was hoping to save his cousin from elimination. Because Koli would do anything for his cousin, just like Sam would throw himself under a bus, fall on a sword, and sit through repeat viewings of Love Happens for Koli. So Koli ate bacon, omelets, chilidogs, and Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde. All in all, the human Pac-Man consumed 4,164 calories in the course of one day. The rest of the cast filed into the eating room and ate their sub-1,500-calorie meals solo like sad crazy-haired cat ladies in a segment I can only describe as…boring. I know temptation challenges are never riveting to watch, but I felt like I had parked my couch in front of an Old Country Buffet line during the whole thing. But even that would have been more interesting than the challenge, if only because I’d be able to wager bets on how many toppings one person could pour on top of a bowl of frozen yogurt.
NEXT: Punch the bacon!