Okay, are you guys ready to watch the premiere of The Biggest Loser next week? I say this because, up until this point, NBC has tricked us: We weren’t watching the ninth season of the series’ couples installment — we were actually tuning into a heart-wrenching program called The Sunshine & O’Neal Show. Well, until last night, when one-half of the show’s stars was booted off the season. Yes, O’Neal’s exit was a big one — fitting though, considering last night’s episode was all about big things. Like Texas, where everything’s bigger. The food. The people. The penis size (according to cheeky t-shirts that are only worn by men whose anatomy in no way actually reflects that statement).
At the beginning of the episode, Ali gathered all the contestants and told them they’d be relocating this week to help train some of the most unfit people in the country. This surprised me, since they would have to be like Santa Claus to be able to travel to the basements belonging to the mothers of every World of Warcraft player in the States. But, I was wrong! Apparently, the most unfit place in the country is Texas, where up to 75 percent of the state’s population will one day be obese. Wowza.
So all our teams went off, ready to go mess with Texas. And we learned a few things upon Biggest Loser‘s first camera shots of the state: Apparently, long, long ago, a wizard traveled to Texas and turned all its cows to stone. And now, Ali was standing amongst those cows, telling the contestants that they’d be running a 5K, along with several lucky radio listeners. So first, to broadcast the event, the teams went off to radio stations, where we learned Texas has as many flags as it does obese people.
But before we could get to the 5K, Jillian took the time to take Sunshine and Ashley shopping at Walgreens, because, apparently, in Minneapolis and Knoxville, Tenn., women craft personal hygiene products out of livestock hides and tree sap, and have never heard of these fancy ol’ things called ”drugstores” before. And the trainer managed to dodge an awkward moment by somehow not including tampons in her list of things girls shop for at Walgreens. (”As girls, when we need overall health products, whether it’s toothpaste, toothbrushes…light bulbs…things that rhyme with raxi rads…” Kidding on those last two.)
Now, ready for the 5K! At first, I was a bit skeptical about the effectiveness of this campaign. After all, most of the runners we saw in the first shot looked pretty healthy. But then, after the contestants delivered some inspirational speeches — and we saw that Ali was quite cold — the race got started, and we heard the stories of some of the heavier runners competing. Koli told us that a dude named Jeff is awesome, Mike said if he ”could just touch one person out of hundreds that I meet, that’s my success story,” and O’Neal talked to a fellow storyteller so passionate and sobby, the stadium split in two — not able to handle the inspirational-ness of the moment — and unicorns began hopping out of the crack that now existed in the Earth.
NEXT: Just a spoonful of sugar helps the product-placements go down!