If you still don’t believe that Big Brother is a television show specifically designed by renegade psychologists from the future to drive us all insane, then I happily refer you to the Zingbot 3000, certainly the best and most hallucinogenic character to ever torment contestants on a reality series. Just like last season, the Zingbot arrived last night at the specific moment when the BB housemates were A) so annoyed with each other that they positively jumped at the chance to talk to anything, even a robot that loathes humanity and B) so deep into the throes of Space Madness that they thought the Zingbot was laughing with them.
The laugh-matic robot-man proceeded to deconstruct them mercilessly. “Jeff: 1995 called, and they want their soulpatch back! ZZZZZING!” it zinged at the reigning HoH. (“Oh yeah, robot?” retorted Jeff, “Well, you’re stupid! And also, Chicago!”) “Porsche: Maybe you should be named after a car…with a roomier trunk! ZIIIIINNG!” zinged the Zingbot. (Porsche — who is actually considerably less self-aware and more robotic than the Zingbot — giggled, and then said something like, “Ha ha, that make Porsche sad, my eyes feel like wiper fluid, beep beep vroooom!”)
“Zing me, Zingbot, zing me!” begged Madame Rachel. Viewers, the Zingbot froze. You could tell that his futuristic programming was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of jokes you can possibly make about Rachel. He settled on an oldie but goodie: “Every other word is just the F-word! Fiance! Fiance! ZZZZIIING!” Rachel responded: “Fiance fiance fiance.”
But don’t assume that the Zingbot is just some clown. No no, dear friends: The Zingbot is here specifically to get inside of contestants’ heads and trample all their dreams. As we learned last night, the Zingbot’s surname is actually his age: He explained to the gang that he’s been alive for three thousand lonely years. Now, we all know that there’s no way Zingbot was built three thousand years ago. (Unless you think he was built by David, King of the Israelites, which is just crazy, since we all learned in history class that all the Israelite robots died in 720 BC during the great war with the Assyrian vampire army and the Babylonian cyborg ninjas.)
That means the Zingbot comes from the future. Which means he has studied all the events of Big Brother 13. Perhaps he even knows how this season will end. So we should pay special attention to his zing against Daniele: “Do you own a car…or are you still riding on your daddy’s coattails?!?!” No matter what you think of Evel Dick, you have to admit that the guy had a peculiar knack for seeming like he had his back up against the wall. One imagines that you have to gain a certain confidence when you’re the oldest man on Earth who is still shopping at Hot Topic, and Dick had confidence in spades.
Compare that to Dani’s recent performance. This marks her first week out of power in almost a month, and she reacted like a scared churchmouse. She was angry at Kalia for not winning HoH. She dithered over whether to win the veto challenge or throw it. She abased herself before Jeff, begging his forgiveness and begging him for instructions. In some ways, Dani and Rachel aren’t so different. When they’re in power, they make bold moves and take calculated risks. But they both need power, or at least close proximity to the week’s HoH. They both lack the rebel-underground instinct. (Compare that to Jeff, who spent three weeks out of power shoring up his alliance with Shelly, his mental dominance over Adam, and his grudging role as replacement-Bukie for Rachel.)
NEXT: Bride of Zingbotstein