“I’m gonna invent something that’s gonna cure cancer” is what Brendon promised Rachel in the early moments of last night’s Big Brother. Keep in mind: This was Brendon trying to prove that he has a rock-solid five-year plan for the couple’s financial future. In the same conversation, Brendon tried to tell Rachel that her heart was a wonderful thing, because it rests behind her mediastinum. He’s a Ph.D. student, remember.
This is how you know that we have reached the glorious moment in this season of Big Brother when the long weeks of relentless paranoia, solar radiation, and Rachel’s wounded-emu laughter have begun to drive everyone in the Big Brother house totally crazy. Like, Lord of the Flies crazy. Like, I’m pretty sure that Brendon has taken to raiding Jeff’s clothes drawer. Fellow viewers, you all noticed that they were wearing absolutely identical outfits during the veto challenge, right? I have a theory — which I can’t prove because my cruel corporate overseers won’t allow me to watch the online Big Brother feeds 24 hours a day — that Brendon has been quietly going all Single White Female on Jeff. Like, I’m pretty sure conversations like this have been happening over on Big Brother After Dark:
BRENDON: Hey, Jeff, check it out! I’m wearing a black tank top and black shorts, just like you! And I’m going to grow my hair out and gel it up, just like you! Isn’t that cool? We’ll be hair brothers!
JEFF: Yeah, dude. That’s cool.
BRENDON: Oh, and check it out! I gave myself a totally cool shoulder tattoo, just like you! Do you like it? I had to carve it with a fork, and I used Rachel’s hair dye for color! Do you like it? If not, I can get laser surgery. I can do laser surgery.
JEFF: Is that blood?
BRENDON: Ha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! You’re so funny. You’re like a court jester. More like a Court Jeffster! Hahahahaha! That’ll be your nickname! And maybe you can call me “Maverick,” or “Marlon Brendo,” or something. Hahahaha!
JEFF: [stares at his own shoulder] Whoa, you’re right, I do have a shoulder tattoo!
Space Madness has struck the Big Brother house. The newer players are suffering from the worst symptoms. Adam spent the episode prancing around in his elf costume. The usually unflappable Jeff had a near panic attack after flopping the veto challenge. Shelly spoiled a month of stealthily playing all sides by randomly walking into Daniele’s HoH throne room and essentially saying, “Hey, Daniele, are you planning anything that I should tell Jeff and Jordan?” Wonderfully, everyone appears to finally be reaching Lawon’s level of insanity — which, if you ask me, is making Lawon look like more and more of a stealth contender. You know the old saying: In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king, and also LAWON!!!
NEXT: Daniele builds a house of cards. Brendon, perhaps confused, bets all his money on black.