Frank is breaking every kindergarten rule that’s ever existed:
- Keep your hands to yourself.
- Don’t call people names.
- Don’t take things that don’t belong to you.
And y’all — you can’t just be breaking rules without going to time-out, and by time-out, I mean that seat across from Julie Chen. Last time we were in the house, Bridgette had won HOH, which means Frank had won HOH (kindergarten rule no. 3), which means chauvinism won HOH (kindergarten rules no. 1 and no. 2). Victor’s inevitable cloud of AXE body spray and false confidence had barely faded, and like a Pokémon Go character you can’t seem to escape, Tiffany’s paranoia and whininess appeared — begging to be caught, discarded, and transferred to Professor Oak. Frank takes no time in sitting Bridgette on his knee and testing out just how easily he can be her puppeteer. A Bridgette win could have been interesting, but if Bridgette had her way, no one would get evicted because she just wants everyone to be friends!
Frank immediately tells Da’Vonne he’ll have Bridgette put up Bronte and Tiffany, and have Paul with the Good Beard as a backup, which is unfortunate because we’re all just coming around to how great Paul can be. Diet Vanessa knows she’s practically nominated because of the argument she had with Frank, and that kind of works because Bridgette is already thinking of Tiffany. But she’s also considering nominating Nicole (who has been sort of lackluster so far, am I right?) and Corey. Frank puts an end to that real quick — Corey is his “buddy,” because of course he is. That’s when he plants Paul’s name into the equation, and just like that, the beard is back on the block.
But back to Corey and Nicole — sometimes history just loves to repeat itself. First round, Nicole found Hayden, and this season it seems more and more obvious that Corey is next on the radar. She says she doesn’t want to be distracted, but honestly, she’s not helping herself out. It seems like I’m being hard on Nicole and letting Corey slide by, but guys… Nicole is a smart girl. Corey is very pretty…or so he thinks. The biggest issue going on right now seems to be Frank, who proclaims he’s the most attractive guy in the house. That is unfortunate in itself because to be honest, Frank looks exhausted. But if the vanity weren’t enough, it seems he’s taken it upon himself to be this season’s capital offender. You know, casual jerk stuff, like telling girls they’re fat or sluts or hussies.
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Frank’s Disaster Tour 2016 starts to come to a head when he tells Da’Vonne to “shut your damn mouth, woman.” She holds it together for a while, but the next time Frank and Da’Vonne cross paths, he smacks her on the butt, and she loses it. Frank, showing up with 2008’s favorite high-school boy’s haircut and absolutely no understanding of how to interact with another human, seems SHOCKED she’s upset. She tells him it’s fine and to just leave her alone. In the diary room, she says she doesn’t want to be seen as a loose cannon, but she doesn’t want it to seem like it’s ever okay for a guy to treat a woman like that. And if she can hold it together, I’m looking forward to her going full-on Jennifer Lopez in Enough and sending him out next week.
NEXT: Not enough Hot Cheetos in the world…
Frank continues to rationalize his behavior in a nice Southern way, mansplaining that smacking Da’Vonne’s butt is an action of endearment — and that he also does this to his grandma (?!). (ASIDE: As a Tennessean and southerner, I can confirm this is now a common practice to engage in with your grandmother.) For the sake of her game, Da’Vonne forgives him for his actions, but the ordeal shows just how screwed up their dynamic is. It’s always so strange to me how there are people every season who say things in their heads like, “I’m going to smack this person on the butt and say something gross, but it’s chill, because I’m kidding.” Life’s a slippery slope to the eviction chair of life, y’all. If all of those details aren’t frustrating enough, Bridgette nominates Paul with the Good Beard and Tiffany, but offered to talk to them about it over Hot Cheetos. WHAT A CONSOLATION PRIZE.
Bronte takes Bridgette aside as the worst alliance member ever and tells her about everything that happened the night before with Frank and Da’Vonne. It’s kind of a day late and a dollar short, though… Bronte tells her she doesn’t think it will come back on her, but like, isn’t it pretty certain that it will? You can’t align yourself with the problem and say, “NBD. I’m just sharing my Cheetos!”
On the other side of the consensual fence, it seems James and Natalie are the most ridiculous showmance of the year — because it’s hardly a showmance at all. He tells her jokes and helps her wax and they sometimes talk on the phone. He gives her small wisdoms, like, “Bras are supportive, like men should be.” But we can only focus on the cutesy for so long, because it’s time for the RV of Floater Nightmares. I’m convinced this BB Roadkill power will eventually be used in a way that matters, but then again, I’m an optimist. This week requires no counting or stripping, but it is called Horn Star, which is practically the lowest possible hanging fruit.
Frank steps up first and is pretty effective at the game, but I have trouble focusing — the longer he’s on the show, the more I begin to think he’s literally just Will Ferrell from Step Brothers. There’s a lot of low-key jokes made about horns, like when Corey says, “If the horn’s a honkin’, don’t come a knockin’,” which is arguably the weakest slant rhyme that’s ever existed. But as the game cycles through players, the big objective is to get a series of horns repeated in the correct order. And after all is said and done, Frank takes the BB Roadkill lead again, meaning Frank truly is in charge of the house this week.
Nicole is pretty pumped about the equation, because when Frank tells her, that’s all the confirmation she needs that she’s safe. Frank tells everyone in the house except Bridgette (!?!) that he won Roadkill and is going to nominate Bronte. And just as he said, the faces cycle across the screen and stop on Bronte. No one seems shocked except for Tiffany, who is apparently shocked about everything. Hilariously, Bridgette tells America in the diary room that if she figures out who put up her best friend via the Roadkill power, she will be coming for them. LOL BRIDGETTE.
So that’s where we are, with one really fun nominee, one really paranoid one, and one who just loves math and a good slumber party. It’s not a huge shocker that crazy moves weren’t made this week, because Bridgette is hardly an HOH — which is why Frank is leading the charge against someone with whom he kind of had a spat once. But tell me what you’re thinking! Do you think Bridgette knows she’s playing Big Brother? Is there any chance the target could flip and Paul or Bronte goes home? Is Da’Vonne going to succeed in taking down Frank? Mull on all of that, and we’ll meet Darren back here Wednesday for a veto competition before we tell a fourth houseguest goodbye.