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'Big Brother' recap: Nude if you do, nude if you don't

Posted on

CBS

Big Brother

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
tvpgr:
TV-14
seasons:
18
performer:
Julie Chen
broadcaster:
CBS
genre:
Reality TV

I didn’t go into the locker room from sixth grade all the way to my junior year of high school. I didn’t know what happened in there, and honestly, I didn’t need to find out. Maybe if I did, I’d have a better grasp on what’s happening this week on Big Brother. What’s an eight pack? Would I be better at getting undressed at warp speed if I had practiced changing with my classmates? And if I had leveraged my time in physical education a bit more strategically, would my skills lead me to putting up a third nominee this week? Well, I’m not on Big Brother, you have no idea what I’m talking about, and my job is not to ponder on what-ifs — it’s to recap, so let’s get to it.

We open up back at the nomination ceremony, with Jozea 100-percent confident he’s not going home. Paulie is super chill about being a pawn, because girls are pretty and nice and fun to kiss for boys like Paulie. As clear-cut as the new player/veteran line is, all the new players seem to be pretty jazzed about not being nominated, reaffirming that the best alliance to be in is the one that has its keys on the wall. Upstairs, Paulie goes to visit Corey and Nicole to reassure himself that he’s safe, and Nicole apologizes to Cody through the camera because if Big Brother is known for anything, it’s the tried-and-true slogan, “Family first.”

Back downstairs, Jozea admits he was running around telling everyone he wanted Nicole out, but at the end of the day, he’s not scared of her because she’s just “that b-word.” Jozea, baby boy, you need to check yourself at the door because if you don’t, it will hit you in the other b-word on the way out. Da’Vonne runs to tell Nicole about his arrogance, but Jozea isn’t far behind. He pops in to talk to Nicole about how he’s not one to beg for safety. Nicole follows up REAL FAST to let Jozea know she’s not a “kisser butter,” which is a suck-up and not a brand of dairy product. Essentially, no progress was made for Nicole and Jozea’s BFF-ship.

All that nonsense leads us to the BB Roadkill Challenge, which is going to make Sundays SO MUCH MORE FUN. Essentially, the houseguests can compete in a competition each week in something I’m going to call the RV of Floater Nightmares. If won, your victory allows you to nominate someone (anonymously!) to be a third nominee for the week. It’s kind of like what happened in season 15 with that secret power, except Elissa isn’t going to get it every week. It’s hilarious because it causes the house’s emotional state to go into a tailspin — because as much as Julie encourages them to, they never expect the unexpected. Personally, I would hate to go into that RV because I’m claustrophobic, but we all have our issues. Everyone’s nerves are shot — except for Jozea, who has already put Frank up for nomination before he’s even played the challenge.

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Zakiyah and Da’Vonne sit together, and I audibly mutter, “Has there ever been two black women in the house at once?” and that’s when they point it out themselves. I don’t know why I’m so excited, but I am… and so is Da’Vonne, because she wants to bring Zakiyah into the fold. Zakiyah is game because she sees how bonkers these new players are. Next up is Michelle, who practically throws herself into Da’Vonne’s lap. One by one, Da’Vonne pulls the power group together: herself, Zakiyah, Nicole, James, Corey, Frank, Michelle, and Tiffany. They name themselves the Eight Pack because nothing can be enacted without an obnoxious name. I made an alliance with myself while sitting on my couch and named it Pony Keg.

NEXT: It pays to get naked, but, like, not in an illegal way

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The first competition involves getting inside an RV, holding down three buttons, and getting naked​ stripped down to your swimsuit as fast as possible. I love that 18 seasons in, Big Brother isn’t even trying to hide the real purpose of the summer’s physique-fueled-fest. Anyway, it turns out Paulie is EXCELLENT at stripping while taking off his clothes, which doesn’t surprise me one bit. It also turns out that Zakiyah wears her socks in all circumstances, naked or not. But it’s Frank who’s best at getting down to business (while holding buttons), and in his own secret way, he now has the power to put up a third nominee.

Without knowing who could win, everyone speculates on who was best at stripping (with purpose) and starts to reveal their results to each other. Frank ultimately tells James and Da’Vonne about his victory, while Jozea and his disciples make Paulie their possible Judas. Frank lies his way out of being targeted because life is funny like that. Elsewhere in the house, Natalie makes the annual mistake of trying to make an all-female alliance with Bridgette and Bronte. That’s not to say women can’t dominate this game, because they can — some of the most prolific veterans are badass women. But it seems the kiss of death (cough, Audrey, cough) seems to be the ladies who long for a Taylor-Swift-squad-voting-bloc. They nickname themselves Spunky Spy, Wifey Spy, and Flirty Spy, because summer is fun and nicknames are a good thing to write in each other’s yearbooks when camp is over. No less than 20 feet away, Tiffany watches them form an alliance, which is ultimately rule no. 1 of making an alliance: be kind of secret about it.

Frank pulls some of the Eight Pack in to discuss, and it comes down to Paul (with the Good Beard) and Bridgette. Anyway, Voice of God pulls Frank, Bridgette, Paulie, and Michelle into the Diary Room to get their mystery prize, which is to wear pixels all week. It’s a weird bathing suit/underwear thing that pixilates their nether regions. It’s essentially the last straw between this show transforming from a competition-based/social-challenge show to soft-core porn. All the pixilated fun is over quickly, though, as the third nominee gets announced at the end — and it’s Paul with the Good Beard whose life is on the line. As James puts it, there’s three beautiful bucks grazing in the pasture, and it would seem the Eight Pack is in charge of which one’s going to get the boot.

And that leaves us with so many questions! Will Jozea, Messiah of Studio Stage 18, be able to flip enough followers to stay safe? Does Paul with the Good Beard have any tricks in his face mane that could save him? Who will win the POV? And most importantly, can you imagine having a body so cut that you’d feel comfortable wearing cardboard pixels on national television? ME NEITHER. I’m going to go on a run and think about all the Doritos I ate during this episode. Mull on all of that nonsense until Tuesday, and I’ll see you next Sunday with one less house guest and even more roadkill.

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