Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. Then, sometimes, there is Jace. The skater bro from Venice Beach did not take the backdoor plot very well. “Everyone was afraid when Y2K was happening?” he reminded us. “This is worse.”
Jace knew what he was talking about. He has, after all, competed against some of the best skateboarders in the world. He’s snowboarded down the highest mountains. He’s surfboarded on the most tubular waves. He’s fireboarded across the lava swells off the Mahalo Coastline. He’s iceboarded across the wastelands off the North Atlantic, dodging yeti-dolphins and snow-pirates. He cloud-boarded through the stratosphere. He soulboarded into our hearts.
So Jace went to work. He asked Clay to keep him in the house. Clay, so handsome, told him that his ship was long since sailed. Jace reached out to Johnny Mack. “Me and you, buddy, we’re going places,” he said. “What’s Jackie bring to the table? Boobs?” At that, the serial-killer dentist stared into space for five minutes, his mind clearly working overtime. “Boobs,” he concluded, nodding. The matter was dropped.
Jace spent the day talking to everyone in the house. Audrey decided that the charade had to end. Or maybe she was playing a longer game. Some of Audrey’s moves this week have been confusing. She diluted what could have been a powerful alliance into a house-wide 5 AM kaffeeklatsch. After Jace got put on the block, Audrey specifically went out of her way to tell him that she had nothing to do with that backdoor, nothing—and then a few nights later she called a house meeting, declaring that everyone was in on it from the beginning.
Jace refused to believe Audrey, refused to believe that the whole house was out to get him. Maybe he was thinking of happier times, up in the HoH throne room, when it seemed like the whole summer would belong to him. What would they call the alliance? Cloud Nine? Cloud City? Cloud Town?
This was the moment when Big Brother revealed the other big twist of this season of twists. I know we all had our theories about the Twin Twist. Some people thought that Johnny Mack the Dentist was the secret twin of Hollywood legend Josh “Hitman” Hutcherson. But no! It turns out that Blamanda Seyfried, the woman from Miami, has a secret identical big-eyed blonde twin: Cramanda Seyfried. They’ve executed several successful substitutions. And it is almost impossible to tell them apart, although there are a few subtle differences noticeable only upon close examination:
NEXT: A Time to Vote[pagebreak]
Jace still believed. He believed in a comeback. He believed in hope. He believed that he was running the Big Brother house. How could everything have gone so wrong, so quickly? The consensus is that everyone immediately spotted Jace as a serious contender—good social game, good in competitions, arguably the second or third-best hair in the house. It seems like there’s always one person in the early rounds of a Big Brother season who just seems so much like a winner that they have to get kicked out immediately: That’s apparently how Jace rubbed some people.
But Jace still believed. When he gave his speech, he called out the eight-person alliance, and he declared his Instagram, and he begged people to consider what he could bring to their games. He’s a strong competitor. “Love me!” he seemed to be saying. “Love me!”
Mama Day had a message for Broseph:
Jace was voted out clean in a completely unanimous…abwah? Audrey cast her vote for Jackie—apparently a play to cast doubt on one of Jace’s allies and put someone else in the sniper scope next week. This may have been an example of too much gameplay—it requires everyone in Audrey’s crew to assume that someone like Stevesie is actually dumb enough to cast a useless vote—but I dig it. I like how Audrey has clearly decided to play at least three different Big Brother games simultaneously, perhaps picking up the slack from those Amazing Race chumpskies who have spent this first week sitting patiently in the house waiting for the narrator to remind us that they were on Amazing Race.
This Week in Headwear:
Runner-Up: Vanessa Bringing Back The Ryu Headband
Subtle yet powerful, like the savvy poker player herself.
WINNER: Judas Q. Austinton’s Gentlemen Top Hat
Is Austin actually playing this game? Reply hazy; ask again later. You would’ve expected the wrestler-academic to come on strong, but instead he spent this first cycle bro-ing out with a now-banished partner and waiting patiently for somebody to ask about the Hundred Years’ War. But there’s no denying that the man has style. Crazy, crazy style.
It was time at last for the Head of Household competition, which continued the weird “movie” trend this season. (I’m hoping the final twist of this season is that every Big Brother cast member ever will return to star in a new reboot of Lord of the Flies.) The contestants had to make a new poster for guest-star Kathy Griffin. Result: This week will be positively dominated by the female side of the house. First Becky added another notch on her belt of accomplishments—right in between “that time I climbed the Rockies when I was five” and “that time I used a bear’s fur as a blanket while the bear was still alive”—by winning the first HoH. Then came Shelly—Shely? Shellee? Shelli? Shillo?—who handily strolled away with her HoH competition.
I’m intrigued to see how this lineup shakes up. Shelli seems to have a good head on her shoulders, insofar as she had the best response ever when someone woke her up in the middle of the night to welcome her into a 15-person alliance:
Come back on Sunday, when my fellow Big Brother recapper Jonathon Dornbush will pick up the pieces of the post-Jace household. Now let’s all go and ponder what Kathy Griffin meant about someone getting “The Last Laugh” at next week’s eviction. I think it means that she’s going to pump a lot of laughing gas into the household and drive everyone insane, and it will turn out she was secretly the Joker this whole time. And Julie Chen was, let’s say, Scarecrow.