Yes, it was high times all around in the old Big Brother house. Beach Bro was chatting up Ms. Puma. (“Your hair is so fair, Jace,” said Shelli. “No no no, Shellshock,” Jace responded, “It is your hair that is the most fair.”) Wildman Judas from the Medieval Studies department was having a profound conversation with That Girl From New York, trying to explain to her how Game of Thrones is just the War of the Roses with worse gender politics.
And Da’Vonne continued her bold play to hide her poker past.
“I teach second grade,” she said.
“Oh, what subjects?” asked James.
“Poker!” Da’Vonne blurted out. “Err, history. Poker history. And Math. Poker Math.”
James nodded sagely, thinking: We really have to do something about our education system.
But nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy. The house was only half-full. There were empty beds in the bedrooms, empty seats at the table. So Sheriff Julie rode her steed out into the great American wide open and wrangled six more contestants for season 17 of Big Brother—or, as it’s known in Sweden, What Fun With Human. And so we met:
Liz: A marketing coordinator from Miami. She has #NoFilter and thinks that the biggest threat to her game will be jealousy, presumably because the other housemates will be jealous of the fact that she could fit three human children in just one of her eyes. Is it me, or does Liz bear a striking resemblance to America’s Sweetheart Amanda Seyfried? Let’s compare shall we? Here’s a picture of Liz:
And here is a picture of Amanda Seyfried, shown here on the set of the delightful 2008 musical sensation Mamma Mia!:
Liz seems like a real winner, is what I’m getting at. Codename: Blamanda Seyfried.
Jason: A stockboy who likes to wear bright colors. Or is he? Sources close to the Big Brother production have informed me that Jason is, in fact, one 8-year-old boy standing on the shoulders of another 8-year-old boy. Those bright clothes are just a distraction. The symbiotic collective organism called “Jason” proudly showed off his sweet bachelor pad. “I got colors! I got prints! I got Calvin Klein! I got Nun-Chucks! I got shorts in every color! Look-it all mah s–!” Jason’s basically the kid from Dick Tracy, if Dick Tracy was a movie about Kanye West.
Vanessa: A professional poker player who has won $4.5 million at the card table, which makes her participation in Big Brother feel a little bit like an attempt to stave off her boredom. (Thought bubble over Vanessa’s head: “It was either this, or buy an island and start hunting human beings with an elephant gun.”) The first contestant this season to have her own catchphrase: “From a game theorist’s perspective…” Seems like a total badass. Looks a little bit like America’s Sweetheart Ke$ha.
Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of Vanessa:
And here’s a picture of Ke$ha on the Red Carpet at the World Famous Nokia Theater at last year’s People’s Choice Awards:
When we saw Vanessa, she appeared to be winning a Poker game with Pocket Aces, which is clear proof that Vanessa is actually a character in one of those movies about Poker where every game always comes down to one person having Four Aces and someone else having a Royal Flush and then Matt Damon finally figuring out that the Russian always rubs his ear when he has a bad hand. Naturally, Vanessa is my Ridiculously Early Pick To Win It All.
John: Hi guys! Meet John the Dentist! Can you hear me in the back row? I said MEET JOHN THE DENTIST! This year’s loudest contestant wants to get one thing straight. “When I went to dental school, all my classmates said they wanted to help people,” he said. “Not me. I want to make that money!” John sort of looks like somebody squeezed Bradley Cooper into Josh Hutcherson. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of John:
And here’s a picture of Bradley Cooper squeezed into Josh Hutcherson:
Becky: Loves nature. Really loves nature. She climbed the Rocky Mountains, did she mention that? She climbed the Rocky Mountains when she was 5 years old. What were you doing when you were 5 years old? Did you bike 500 miles? Becky did. Backwards. DOING YOGA. BLINDFOLDED. Claims to be a hippie. May be proof that the term “hippie” no longer has any meaning.
Stevesie: This year’s designated Nerdling, and thus quite possibly one of the most dangerous players in the game. Stevesie is an engineer who dreams of being so much more. “For a fourth grade project, we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up,” he explained. “I drew myself with the Big Brother key around my neck.” The kids all laughed at him, laughed! Who’s laughing now, other kids? I expet Stevesie to either flame out immediately (because dreams achieved inevitably become nightmares) or sit patiently in the background doing nothing the first half of the summer.
We got the usual pre-House crosscutting between players, explaining all the wacky reasons why CBS thinks they won’t get along. Like, Becky said: “I get along with everybody. Except for Divas.” CUT TO: Jason, packing five sparkly mesh tank tops and a couple purple boas into his bag, explaining that he likes Celine Dion but wishes she wasn’t so subtle. Or John the Dentist said: “I don’t like superfans.” CUT TO: Stevesie, surrounded by wall-sized portraits of past Big Brother players and a rare vinyl edition of the popular LP Dan Gheesling Sings The Blues and the words CHENBOT IS MY HOMEGIRL spraypainted on his ceiling.
Then, at long last: The arrival.
NEXT: One, Two, Three, Four, Tell Me That You Love Me More.