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Big Brother recap: Shelli Slickers

Shelli struggles with empathy while Audrey struggles with being terrible.

Posted on

CBS

Big Brother

type:
TV Show
Current Status:
In Season
tvpgr:
TV-14
seasons:
18
performer:
Julie Chen
broadcaster:
CBS
genre:
Reality TV

If you came here for a further elaboration on Audrey’s pity tirade on Wednesday’s Big Brother, you will not find it. Because that requires understanding Audrey’s behavior, and I understand Audrey’s Big Brother actions like I understand the entire lingual catalog of the ‘90s educational service Muzzy… I do not understand it and I have no interest in trying to.

Audrey, you live in a house FILLED WITH CAMERAS. If there’s any place where you’re probably going to get caught in a lie, it’s either here or Hawaii, and they spell it ‘lei’ there. Yet despite the obvious airplay that reneged backtracks always get on Big Brother, Audrey is of the belief that if she lies hard enough, she can actually make the truth go away. “I didn’t say that!” she cries, and suddenly, she didn’t! Woah! Such logic does not work in the BB house. Audrey’s words, much like her untagged Facebook photos, are eternally out there.

The simple summary of Audrey’s drama tonight is this:

After Shelli named the friendly Slytherin witch as her reason for protectively putting Jason on the block, Audrey feels that Shelli no longer trusts her. (Amazingly, this occurs while Audrey is pulling James aside and encouraging him to split up Shelli and Clay if he were to win HOH.) Audrey continues to prove week after week that she should not be trusted on Big Brother to begin with, yet she has the audacity to feel betrayed by Shelli — and what’s even crazier to me is that Shelli is genuinely upset about their crumbling relationship. Because Shelli actually likes Audrey. Like, if Shelli was having a birthday party and could only put 50 people on the E-vite, she might actually do it BY CHOICE.

It’s here that we exasperated viewers must remember the Audrey-Shelli-Da’Vonne alliance from week one, which I absolutely don’t even remember. I mean, yes, I remember it, but only in the way that I remember eating lunch last Thursday. I know it happened and there are vague snapshots of meat and cheese to support it, but did it really exist? Shelli’s since moved on to bigger, better alliances, like the one with the husky twins and the split-personality wrestler and the poker player.

But apparently, Shelli still feels beholden to Audrey, at least on a personal (if not a gameplay) level. The confusion is setting in, though, and Audrey’s widely-vocalized woes are, to Shelli, “clouding my whole persona.” In other words, Audrey has used Confusion on Shelli, and it’s super effective.

Even when the veto players are chosen (John, Jason, Shelli, Vanessa, Meg, and James) and the entire competitive catalogue meets in the HOH room to tell Shelli they’ll do whatever she wants to do with the nominations, Shelli is still distraught and confused. “I don’t want to watch this later and regret it,” she says to the crevices between Clay’s muscle tissue.

Poor Clay may not be the brightest, but screw it (repeatedly and repeatedly) if he doesn’t relate when it’s most important. Yes, I hate it when he talks to PawnJohn like a jock about to throw a freshman into a locker, but Clay has moments when he’s the only conduit into logic, and that happens when he’s on the receiving end of Audrey’s rant.

Audrey lays onto Clay about her lack of true companionship on the show. Everybody has a partner to trust — Shelli has Clay, Austin has Vanessa and Jiz, Jason has Meg, Steve has his needlepoint — but Audrey has nobody. (Insertion of opinion: It’s her OWN DAMN FAULT.) So Audrey makes Clay swear on his life that Shelli won’t put Audrey up, and he doesn’t swear, but he assures her that she has nothing to worry about. But then, when Audrey is going through a second round of complainanoia and Clay is recounting her fearful obsessions, she doubles back on ever asking Clay to swear about her safety. WHAT!? Clay continues to get more and more exasperated the more Audrey swears she never said what she said, and as it progresses I feel the Audrey-shaped rage bubble slowly building in my neck.

The frustrating conversation then makes its way into the HOH room, and it’s a full-on confrontation between Audrey, Clay, Shelli, and friendly hobo Vanessa, who gets dragged into the pile-on as Audrey calls everyone out and whines that nobody ever puts themselves in her shoes. Shelli, who has been struggling with being overly empathetic this entire time, immediately takes offense — and Audrey, yet again, seems to turn allies against her with nothing more than selfish, unaware dialogue.

(It’s at some point during the relaying of these rumors that the actual veto competition goes down. It’s Saved By the Bell themed and all you need to know is that Vanessa won, Shelli threw it, and Clay can play Zack Morris during Lifetime’s next biopic.)

After all this drama, surprise surprise, the veto meeting rolls around and Audrey can’t even be bothered to attend (she has an audition for Paranormal Activity 19: That Lamp Just Wobbled that she simply can’t miss). Vanessa removes Jason from the block — yet again discounting the future power of Pawn John — and Shelli tearfully puts up the absent Audrey instead.

If everyone knows what’s good for them, they’ll vote out Audrey immediately. And they’ll pay attention to that one singer in the Whackstreet Boys, because I hear he’s going places.