I never understood all the hate for Evel Dick. True, the man was a magnificent scumbag who glided through the Big Brother house with the leering swagger of a mythical serpent slithering through the Garden of Eden trying to find an attractive naked human couple to symbolically corrupt. But at the most basic level, Big Brother a show about politics, and all politicians are scumbags, which is why most democratic elections basically come down to the voters trying to decide which scumbag is more likable. And Evel Dick was incredibly likable, in a Hans Gruber-ish of way. He was also, we should remember, one of those rare reality show baddies who constantly rose to power even though he made no secret about screwing everyone over. (This particular brand of open-faced supervillainy was invented wholesale in the first season of Survivor, when everyone agreed that Richard Hatch was the Devil Incarnate and handed him $1 million for his troubles.)
Last night marked only the third episode of this new Big Brother season, but Evel Dick was already running the place. His teammates on the Veteran Squad were all just following in his wake. When Porsche walked into the HoH bedroom and started crying about being put on the chopping block, Brendon and Rachel could both sense that she was a loose cannon. But what could they do? Dick had already conspired with her. She was in the club. “Of all the people for my dad to make a deal with,” Daniele groaned. What could she do? It was Dick’s deal. You could argue that, at this point, the numbers weren’t quite in the veterans’ favor — by my count, the vote would have split straight down the middle between Keith and Porsche. But that assumes that Dick wouldn’t have made a separate deal with Kalia, or Shelly. Maybe he would have sniffed out the Regulators. I don’t doubt he would have run the table. Jeff was right to call him “one of the best social game players.” When Dick waltzed into the Diary Room, he looked like a man who was already counting his money.
First came the quiet. Then came the confusion: “Say, have you guys seen Dick? Is he in the bedroom? Did he ever come out of the Diary Room? Geez, how long can one man talk?” Then came the realization: Rachel was called into the Diary Room, and returned with a note from the desk of Big Brother. “Due to an urgent personal matter, Dick had to unexpectedly leave the Big Brother game.” Daniele would receive the first golden key, a last gift from her old man, or perhaps a last laugh from her oldest enemy. The game would go on without him. There was no larger indication given as to the reasons for Dick’s disappearance on the show. (I’m sure you can find out why he got the Jimmy Hoffa treatment online, but I prefer to believe that this is some secret double-secret-reverse twist, that Dick has been placed behind the walls of the Big Brother house to whisper misery into his former opponents’ ears. Also, I found something so wonderfully hilarious about Jeff’s desperate post-disappearance exclamation: “We don’t know what happened to Dick, and we may never know!”)
The fallout was immediate. Chaos reigned. The outlook was gloomy for The Veteran Squad, which I will henceforth refer to as the Expendables. They were down one vote at a time when every vote counted, down one challenge fiend at a time when every challenge could end them. Daniele had begun crying — the second woman to cry in the HoH room in one day, for all those keeping track at home. “Dick lives and breathes Big Brother,” she said. “This is his life. Which is disgusting and embarrassing.” Jordan walked in and dropped the double bombshell: Keith was walking around downstairs, grinning a big grin and dancing around like Christmas came early to party with Thanksgiving. That set Brendon into a rage. He wanted to go downstairs and…what? Tell the newbies to show some respect? To what end? In that moment, the Expendables had no power.
NEXT: The banality of Evel