The shifting power dynamics in the Big Brother house are beginning to resemble the game of brinksmanship played by the Great Powers of early 20th Century Europe, except with funnier robots. At the start of last night’s episode, Frank put Joe and Wil up on the block, an indication that the Silent Six war machine was planning to march through the ruins of Team Janelle. But from the second the nomination ceremony ended, things got more complicated. Generalissimo Boogie thought it might be good for Chilltown 2.0 to make a play at Joe. “Nobody’s fighting to be his friend,” said Boogie, “If we buddy up, he could be our friendly pet.” Emperor Frank told Joe that he would receive a stay of execution, so long as he could keep his mouth shut. “CONSIDER MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT OUR SECRET DEAL,” mumbled Joe, “I WON’T TELL ANYONE WE’RE WORKING TOGETHER, ME AND YOU, JOE AND FRANK.”
Meanwhile, in the pillow room, Boogie was having the same conversation with Wil. “My favorite pastime: Telling people they’re safe, and then doing the opposite.” I imagine that Boogie is the kind of guy who melts ants with a magnifying glass. Actually, I imagine that Boogie is the kind of guy who buys an ant farm just to blow it up with dynamite. But Wil is more than just an ant farm with great hair. “Sorry, Boogie! I’m not buying it,” he said.
As a Big Brother player, I frankly don’t know what to make of Wil. He has a great social game, except when he doesn’t. He has an almost intuitive understanding for the shifting alliances inside of the house, but he seems incapable of allying himself with anyone. (At one point, he noted that Smashley is his only ally, which is kind of like saying “The sky is my only ally” or “I’m sure that my beloved puppy will save me if a nuclear bomb goes off.”) He has endeared himself to everybody, but in the diary room he has a hairtrigger temper and seems to despise pretty much everyone. My newest theory about Wil is that he’s a great player, but he doesn’t really love the game — doesn’t get off on the lies and the half-truths, like Boogie. But marvel at how he turned a simple conversation with Danielle into a power-play biography. If he survives this week, he could be the undoing of the whole Silent Six.
But enough about the silly humans! Let’s get to the real star of the show: Zingbot 3000, the highly-advanced robot sent in time with lots of futuristic humor technology. Zingbot gave the cast the business. “Shane: My five year old niece called…and she wants her pink tank top back!!! ZING!” “Joe, how does it feel to be the old man of the house? Oh, sorry Boogie…I didn’t see you there!!! ZING!” He compared Frank to Little Orphan Annie and compared Jenn to a gossip magazine, which led Joe to ask “Who’s Little Orphan Annie?” and led Jenn to ask “Wait, who’s Jenn?” The Zingbot saved his harshest and most spot-on critique for Danielle: “I hear Shane’s gonna give you a special gift after the season…a restraining order! ZING! ZING! ZA-ZEE-ZY-ZOW-ZOO-ZING!“
But listen though, fellow viewers. A lot has changed in Zingbot’s life since we first met him a couple years ago. He’s settled down. He’s bought a house with a back yard. He’s started getting involved in the local political scene, and is currently running for a seat on the city council of Zingville. (He’s also gotten really into the literature of Ayn Rand, although he tells Mrs. Zingbot that he only reads Ayn Rand’s books “For the thrilling plot points and the character development.”) And now, Zingbot has decided it’s time to start cranking Baby Zingbots.
Participants in the Veto Competition had to build elaborate Rube Goldberg pipelines and deposit an orb of Pure Zingtonium into the Zingcubator. I don’t understand half the words I just wrote in the previous sentence, but the competition was pretty fun. Smashley, suffering from back pain and possibly hopped up on happy pills, explained why she wasn’t doing too well in the game: “The last time I did a puzzle was probably a kitty-kat puzzle.” Jenn said, “I’m more of a visual learner,” and then she asked, “Who’s Jenn?”
Meanwhile, Britney couldn’t figure out why Boogie was having so many problems with the competish. “His eyebrows are already pointed straight up at the ceiling, due to his botox. ZING!” I don’t know if Britney is a great Big Brother player. But I’m already starting my online campaign to get Britney elected as the new Big Brother host.
NEXT PAGE: And lo, a Zingbot was born.