Every successful rebellion inevitably becomes an establishment that must be rebelled against. Consider the Big Brother house. Two weeks ago, Aaryn and Jeremy were swanning around house, plotting new misery for their fellow houseguests from their glittery perch in the HoH thronebed. They were like the gods of Olympus in Clash of the Titans, and not just because they were all ridiculously attractive and utterly inhuman. (In this metaphor, Jeremy was Zeus, Aaryn was Hades, GinaMarie was like a centaur or something, and Kaitlin was Athena. Athena had big eyebrows, right?) But a revolution began. It was kickstarted by a number of different forces: Helen’s political gamesmanship, Amanda’s passionate distaste for the Bully Brigade, the ongoing fly-in-the-ointment MVP vote which, every week, transformed Elissa from a barely-present non-entity into one of the most important players in the house. Now, the old alliances lie in tatters. The Muscle and the Brains of the Moving Company are gone. Aaryn’s stock in the house has fallen so far that everyone in the house has decided to keep her around, because they know there’s no way anyone will ever hand her Big Brother victory.
But the status quo never remains the status quo inside the Big Brother house — especially not in this season, where the foundational rug of gameplay keeps getting pulled out from under the players. On last night’s episode, Spencer and Howard plotted counterrevolution over a game of billiards. Where other people in the house saw pariahs, they saw opportunity. GinaMarie and Kaitlin are both flailing, in their own way. Kaitlin, who looks smarter every day, has taken stock of her situation; she was showmancing with Jeremy, a man most people in the house consider a terrific bully; her closest girlfriend in the house is Aaryn, who is so so pretty and who also bathes in the blood of twenty virgins just to brush her teeth. GinaMarie is a crazy person, but she’s like a wandering ronin in search of a master: She’s got nothing left to lose.
So Howard and Spencer got them together in Judd’s throneroom. Howard gave a speech about ants and grasshoppers. “If we come together, we can overtake the throne,” said Howard. “Power in numbers. That’s why grasshoppers are afraid of ants. Ants are loyal, and there’s more of them. They outnumber the grasshoppers. They’ll always kill the grasshoppers. Because life’s this game of inches. Today we declare our independence day. Today we are canceling the apocalypse. ATTICA! ATTICA!” It was very inspiring. It made no sense. Spencer didn’t seem to think Howard’s science was accurate. For What It’s Worth, a quick Googling reveals that Howard may have just deliriously misread Aesop’s Fable about The Ant and the Grasshopper, which is definitely not about ants killing grasshoppers.
Nevertheless, Howard made a good argument. There might be a new alliance in the offing. But right about then, everything got very strange. The houseguests came together to find out who the MVP had nominated this week. They didn’t know the truth: That this week, America was the MVP. This is a hilarious piece of backpedaling by the Big Brother producers. I feel like the MVP twist had a lot of potential, but mixing the twist into a season that featured the sister of one of the most famous Big Brother contestants in history was a poor decision. Elissa walked away with the MVP three weeks in a row, and even though I kind of liked Elissa during the Reign of the Aaryn Brigade, even I had to admit that Elissa hadn’t done anything particularly impressive besides ally herself with Helen and use the phrase “my sister” several thousand times.
Surprise surprise: America apparently decided to put Elissa up on the block. You can torment yourself over the vote-count. You can surmise — or hope — that Aaryn was the number-one vote-getter, but her presence on the block led to Elissa getting nominated. You can also surmise that for all the viewers who like Elissa because she’s Rachel’s sister, there’s an equal (larger?) group of people who can’t stand her because she’s Rachel’s sister. Who knows? The point is: Chaos! Elissa thought GinaMarie was the MVP. Aaryn was worried everyone would think she was the MVP, because she assumes that everyone is thinking about her all the time, because she’s so pretty and ugly people hate pretty people, and she’s a winner and losers hate winners. Kaitlin thought that Elissa nominated herself, which would’ve actually been pretty sneaky. The whole thing was clearly a net-negative for Aaryn, who spent the afternoon cheering herself up, staring into the corner of the room, humming “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” daydreaming about firing a missile launcher at flocks of baby penguins from a helicopter.
NEXT: Vote Elissa for Veto Power