Caltoru. Caltoru. Caltoru. Say it. Sing it. It sounds like the name of a mystical dragon with furry ears and eyes that glimmer green-blue in the dusk. It sounds like the name of a faraway land where flowers sprout rainbows and grizzly bears dance with land sharks. Caltoru. Caltoru. Caltoru. PowPow tried to spell calculator, but she couldn’t find a second C, and she was missing an L, and there was a voice in her head that could not be denied. Caltoru. Caltoru. Caltoru.
Perhaps–and admittedly, this is a big perhaps–PowPow thought of the word “Caltoru” because of a memory, buried deep inside her brain, underneath lots of beats and breaks and cues and other words DJs know. Perhaps, in the days before time, PowPow was a beautiful fairy princess, buzzing on gossamer wings around the Kingdom of Caltoru. Maybe Caltoru is all around us. Maybe Caltoru is a state of mind. Maybe, if you live a good life, then after you die, Zach Rance appears to you, wearing a sweater tied around his shoulders and with a sweatshirt tied around his cargo shorts, and says: “Bro. You’re in Caltoru.”
There was a lot riding on the veto competition that produced “Caltoru.” The Bomb Squad saw enemies everywhere. Devin’s madness had spread to his teammates. I’m still not entirely clear what happened to Devin. Night One, he vibed like a player, a general commanding his troops; ever since then, he’s been a paranoiac given to indulging his most insane impulses. It’s like he went from being the Rock in Fast Five to being the Rock in Pain & Gain.
In his madness, Devin focused on Donny. Donny the bearded one has spent his time in the Big Brother house completely devoted to Devin. Sample lines:
“You’re a good guy, Devin.”
“I hope you sleep wonderful. We’ll have a great day tomorrow.”
“If you don’t trust me, I’m gonna still trust you. You’re all I got, Devin. I trust ya.”
“I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is. And I love you, Devin.”
“I really liked The Scorpion King.”
“Tell me about the rabbits, Devin.”
And so Devin decided that Donny was secretly an agent of espionage. Caleb joined him in his madness. “He’s ex-military for sure,” said Caleb. “I knew it from the moment he pulled his socks up.” Frankie couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Now Devin’s convinced Donny is a secret super soldier. Is he Justin Bieber in a beard? Is he Ariana Grande’s brother?” (DRINK). Donny was a killing machine. Donny was Navy SEAL. Donny is Jason Bourne. Donny is Richard Chamberlain’s Jason Bourne. “He’s gotta go,” concluded Devin.
But ho! A new enemy on the horizon. Remember way back in the season premiere, when the first four women in the house swore a bond of sisterhood? They declared themselves El Quatro, even though secretly they were calling themselves Michelle Quadriguez and just hadn’t realized it yet. Well, Joey sought to rebuild those bonds. “I think there’s an all-guy alliance,” she said. “We have to secure an all-girl alliance.”
Joey held out her hand in friendship. She preached about Susan B. Anthony and Betty Friedan and Katniss Everdeen, and she explained why Sex and the City was much better in its first season when it was more of a philosophical essay and less of a soap opera, and she told her sisters that someday science will eliminate men from mankind. “Sisters! Let us rise up together against the patriarchy! Let us not fall victim to infighting, as so many have before us! The men are stupid! We are less stupid! In this moment, we have the numbers!”
If I may sum up the response from the women of the house in a direct quote and an out-of-context but symbolically rich image:
No one would stand with Joey. Not Amber, who is a member of the Bomb Squad—and whose loyalty could imply that Devin is crazy like a fox. Not Jocasta, who declared that her only alliance is with God. Not The Girls With Glasses, who would have clearly made a great power trio with Joey if only Joey wore her glasses more often.
Because Joey decided to stage her secret meeting in one of the most public areas of the house, it took about three seconds for everyone to realize she was trying to form a massive secret alliance. And it took Benedict Amber a mere three seconds more to walk upstairs and confide in Caleb that Joey was plotting revolution.
NEXT: The Men Strike Back