Every houseguest who walks into the Big Brother house is like a beautiful unique snowflake walking into a gigantic vat of boiling lava. Look, there’s Nick, an “entrepreneur” who self-identifies as Peter Parker: He’s scary and non-threatening…but just like Spider-Man, he can “lay down the smack” when he needs to. And look, there’s Helen, a married mother of two who describes herself as a “Chicago politician,” even though she lives in Virginia. And look, there’s Aaryn, who insists that she is “the ultimate Texas girl” and spells her name like a character on Game of Thrones. But while we’re talking Texas, we shouldn’t forget Minnesota, which is often described as “The Texas of the North” by people who’ve never heard of Texas. This year’s tribute from District Minnesota is Kaitlin, a woman with the eyebrows of Joan Crawford.
And let’s not forget about the lifeguard with the haircut that screams “Baddest Dude in the late ’90s Boy Band” and the pectoral muscles that scream “Unemployment sure has given me a lot of time to work on my unemployment muscles.” I forget what the lifeguard’s name is, but he kind of talks like a fifth grader doing a simultaneous impression of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Blink-182. “I love the ladies,” said the lifeguard, “and the ladies love me.” I’m too lazy too look up his name, so let’s just call him Dudebro. You laugh, but someday, Dudebro will be President. By god, this is America.
And this, my friends, is Big Brother, the longest-running scientific experiment on human subjects — unless you count Pepsi’s ongoing controversial decision to keep selling Mountain Dew, which will definitely turn everyone’s skin green by 2027. Big Brother 15 promises a whole host of new innovations. A bigger cast! A longer season! More nominees! An intriguing and probably-doomed-to-fail new anti-floater system! Julie Chen, looking better than ever because of some weird Orphan Black clone therapy probably! The season premiere moved faster than ever thanks to the expanded cast. We got the usual quick-hit introduction of all the players, all of which quickly established lame character traits that will disappear almost immediately when cabin fever sets in around week 2.
The most notable introduction for Big Brother fans was Elissa, a yoga instructor/nutritionist/other-synonyms-for-unemployed contestant who is the sister of Rachel Reilly. Now, Rachel had one of the most incredible character arcs of any housemate in the recent era. In Big Brother 12, she was a half-mad villain, the Lady Macbeth to her duncecap showmance Brendon’s Mister Macbeth; in Big Brother 13, she was the battered and bruised hero. Elissa announced two pieces of strategy, one smart and one less smart. Smart One: Assemble an all-woman alliance. Less Smart One: Not tell anyone that she is Rachel’s sister. (She looks like Rachel. She sounds like Rachel. The producers will probably just tell the housemates that she’s related to Rachel.)
The fifteenth clone of Julie Chen assembled the new cast outside of the house and staggered them in, four by four. There’s always one housemate who goes for the Big Personality play, and this year, that tactic belongs to GinaMarie, who pronounces her name like “Gina-Murray.” She is a pageant coordinator. She has a tongue ring. She’s from Staten Island, which means that — according to the rules of Reality TV — her mandatory character trait is saying “I’m from Staten Island!” every two seconds, in case everyone forgot. She was jumping up and down on a bed, and she jumped right into the arms of Howard, aka “The Christian Guy With Muscles.” GinaMarie is what it looks like when a GIF pretends to be a human, and she’s already one of my favorite houseguests. In beauty pageant terms, she floats like Kirsten Dunst but stings like Denise Richards.
And now, a word from Dudebro: “Should I bunk with the girls, and have a good vibe with them? Or should I be bro-bro with the guys? I was totally dazed and confused, dude.” I feel like news would be much more interesting if people applied the phrase ‘be bro-bro’ to international politics. “Should America bunk with the Middle East nations, and have a good vibe with them? Or should America be bro-bro with China?”
NEXT: The girl the other girls don’t like, according to her.