What’s up, asses? Yeah, I’m talking to you. Oh, wait, maybe you can’t understand me because most of you dopes can’t read. But don’t worry, I’ll try to keep the words at Highlights level. I AM NOW YELLING AT YOU! YELLING YELLING YELLING FAT YELLING!
Whoa, don’t get mad, people! There are four rules to EW.com TV Watches: 1) There are no rules. 2) There are actually 63 rules, and you should follow them all. 3) Personal attacks are part of the game. 4) No givesies, no backsies. So no hard feelings, huh?
Russell, who has alternated between terrorizing and befriending just about everybody on Big Brother except Julie (and I was cringing upon his exit, waiting for him to lay into her, too), said that was all part of his strategy. Does being an utter dick count as a strategy? I suppose you could rationalize everything that way, then: ”Sorry for all my passed gas: pure strategy, dude.” ”Yeah, I ate your dinner while you were on the phone. Check and mate.” ”Hold still while I saw your head off; you’re getting played, man!” I don’t think being a sociopath counts as strategy. That’s like saying armed robbery is social satire.
And to think that when the week started, he and Jeff were best buds. They were working in tandem during the can-drop HOH. I got pretty excited during this contest, because I couldn’t wait to hear the producers force the houseguests to later explain in the Diary Room what their strategy had been: It was dropping cans into tubes, how could someone possibly elaborate beyond, ”My approach was to DROP A CAN INTO A TUBE.” However, Jeff did come up with a twist: He pulled the tabs up and used them to hold his cans! Just when you think there are no more layers to the can game, he thinkszzzzzzgettingsleepy…WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP ABOUT THE CANS! After sitting through ten minutes of televised can dropping, I will admit that I took a good hard look at myself and did not like what I saw.
It looked like Kevin was actually going to win this competition, which would have upended the game (and probably would have resulted in Kevin getting his Russell-roid-rage cherry popped), but Jeff pulled it out. He was the new HOH, and when everyone gathered in his room, Jordan commented that his childhood picture reminded her of Dumb and Dumber. That’s odd, I made the same connection during the whole ”how do am me tell time?” conversation.
But — say it ain’t so — this week there were flashes of trouble in paradise for the cute couple. It started out innocently, with banter about how Jeff might not take Jordan on his trip to Hawaii if she doesn’t put out. ”If I get the chance to go to Hawaii with Jeff, I see us maybe kissin’ and cuddlin’, that’s it,” said Jordan. Replied Jeff, ”Be quiet. You’re not going anywhere, so relax.” They’re so adorable! It’s just like Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo had a bad case of blue balls and Juliet didn’t know how to tell time.
NEXT: Trouble in Jeff/Jordan paradise? Say it ain’t so!